The crusaders

C\^'THiA. Of course if his philosophy helps us to reform London, we ought to pay him for it. Would he accept —

FiGG. I'll put it delicately to him. I think I can conquer his scruples.

(Jawle giz'es vent to a peculiar melancholy chuckle, still sitting sublimely uncofiscious in his armchair.) Look ! ( Calls everybody's attention to Jawle, who continues to sit unmoved, with his fat hands on his stomach. All look at Jawle.) He's

ACT I THE CRUSADERS 31

often like that for hours ! He has that rare faculty of burying himself!

He's quite unaware of our presence ! We might discuss his whole system of philosophy without his knowing it.

Palsa]m {who has been anxiously waiting to question Figg). Are you quite sure his principles have an improving tendency for young men

?

Figg {glibly). My dear sir, Jawle has swept away all the older philosophies entirely. Jawle's is the only rational system of ethics.

Cynthia {dubiously), What does he teach? Figg {same glib tone).

Jawle's fundamental doctrine is the immorality of marriage.

{Great surprise on the part of Mrs. Campion-Blake and Cynthia.

Palsam jumps up aghast. Dick and Lord BuRNHAM chuckle. Jawte preserves his attitude of placid self-absorption in the ar77ichair.) Lord Burnham {after the consternation has subsided— very quietly).

And what follows ? PalsaiM {much disturbed). What? Figg {blajul, soothing). Pray don't misunderstand me. Jawle has no objection to marriage in itself, but only as the one great means of promoting human misery. Jawle entertains equal objections to every other method of perpetuating the human race. Am I not right? {Crosses to Jawle, stands over his chair — rather loudly to Jawle, prompting him.) ]\Iarriage !

32 THE CRUSADERS act i

Jawle (^faintly rouses hiinseif, speaks very senientiously and authoritatively^. There being an immense balance of misery and suffering in every human lot, it necessarily follows that marriage, as the chief means of increasing that misery and suffering, is a criminal and anti-social action. (^Relapses i7ito his self-absofption, takes no notice whatever of what is going on.)

(Dick and Lord Burnham are amused.)

C\^THiA {puzzled). But—if nobody married —

FiGG {addresses himself to Palsam). I'm sure you agree with us, Mr.

Palsam, that the rapid increase of the human herd is a matter for the gravest alarm —

Palsam {moodily). I've always thought there was far too great a propensity — I can't understand it!

FiGG. Jawle calculates that at the present rate the human race will infallibly exhaust every possible means of subsistence in six generations !

Palsam. Dear me ! Dear me ! What can be done? {Retires to fireplace, stands terribly distressed, his lips muttering occasionally.) FiGG. Jawle's system delivers us. {Smiling blandly all around.) I must persuade you all to become members of the Jawle guild. ( With proud satisfaction.) I founded the Jawle guild. I was the first to understand Jawle. Mrs. Greenslade, you'll join our guild ?

Cynthia. Ye — es. What do you do?

FiGG. We discuss Jawle's doctrines. Sometimes ACT I THE CRUSADERS 33

Jawle himself comes. But his health is very precarious, is it not?

{appealing to Jawle. Jawle takes 710 notice. Figg prompting Jawle in a loud tone.) Your health.

Jawle {aj-ousing himself slightly as before'). Yes ; my vital processes are so abnormally slow that at any moment it may become advisable to bring them to a conclusion. (Relapses into self-absorption^

(Cynthla. looks inquiri?igly at Figg for an expla?iation.) Figg {in a low, reverential tone). Jawle advocates the forcible and abrupt extinction of human life in certain cases — his own included. C\"NTHiA

{alarmed). Not suicide? Figg {reverently). We trust he won't consider it necessary till he has completed his social philosophy. Cynthia. Oh !

{Leans back in her chair, bewildered, gazing at Jawle, 70)10

preserves his attitude of i?npenetrable self-absorption.) (Dick, Lord Burnham, and Mrs. CampionBlake have been talking together.) Mrs. Cam. {gushingly to Lord Burnham). I'm sure you can persuade the Duchess of Launceston to join us. It's so necessary

that the reformation of London should be done by our own class, and not allowed to fall into the hands of agitators —

{During Mrs. Campion-Blake's speech, Worrell has entered on stairs right and come down to foot of staircase.) D

34 THE CRUSADERS act i

Worrell {^rather alarmed^. I beg pardon, madam — the three parties upstairs —

Mrs. Cam. {Jo Lord Burnham). Our vvorkingmen members —

C\'NTHIA. Well ?

Worrell. They're using coarse language to each other, and one of the parties has assumed a threatening attitude towards the other two parties.

{A great s7nash heard off.) (Worrell goes quickly upstairs and off right,

followed by Cynthia, Dick, atid Figg.) (Mrs. Campion-Blake and Lord Burnham rise. Palsam stands undecided.) Lord Burnham. I'm afraid our workingmen members have not learnt drawing-room methods of reforming London. (Lookitig at watch.) I must be going. Mrs. Cam.

No — you must attend one committeemeeting, and start us ! Just one !

Lord Burnham {going off left luith Mrs. CampionBlake) . Very well —

just one, but only one. {Exeunt Mrs. Campion-Blake and Lord Burnham.) (Jawle has preserved an attitude of impenetrable calm, has not moved a tnuscle all tlvough ; he sits with hands placidly resting on stomach, arid gives vent to his melancholy chuckle.

Palsam has made a movement up stage to follow the others, but

hearing Jawle, hesitates, fidgets down to Jawle, evidently anxious to question Jiim.)

ACT I THE CRUSADERS 35

Palsam (^fidgeting round Jawle). I'm deeply interested in your proposal for legislating against this terrible increase of the human race.

Jawle {shaking his head slowly). I've no faith in legislation.

Palsam. Perhaps a course of public meetings and lectures —

Jawle {shaking his head). I've no faith in public meetings and lectures.

Palsam {distressed). No? Perhaps talking to people — that's my way; when I see anybody doing anything wicked I talk to them.

Jawle. I've no faith in talking to people.

Palsam {plaintively). Dear me! Then what is to be done ?

Jawle {authoritatively, tuith solemn conviction). Nothing can be done

!

FiGG {has entered on stairs). Jawle, the London Reformation Committee is just going to sit. I want you to give them your views.

Jawle {rising 7uith great difficulty, to Palsam). I'll trouble you for your arm. (Palsam gives it, and helps Jawle /// stage to staircase.) Jawle {to Figg on staircase). I'm not prepared for any large expenditure of vital force this afternoon. ( Waddling up with Palsai\l) Figg. No; you can just prove to them in a dozen words that they are utterly wrong and mistaken in all they're doing. That's all that's necessary.

36 THE CRUSADERS • act i

Enter Philos, door left, 7uith telep-ams. Pai^am, going upstairs 7aith Jawle, turns and calls to Philos.

Pa,lsam. Mr. Ingarfield, in talking to Lord Burnham just now, you didn't lash the vices of high life. Think how much good it would do if we could make an example of somebody.

(Philos, absorbed, takes no Jiotice. Exeunt PalsaiM, Jawle, and Figg upstairs, and off right. \J^\ eliters left.') Philos {^reading telegrams). Either I must forsake them and leave them to perish, or I must go through with it. And yet, how shall I leave her? {^Seeing Una.) Well, comrade?

Una {shakes her head sadly). Pm not your comrade now.

Philos. Yes, my comrade, my sister always.

Una. No, I was your comrade three years ago, on that Sunday evening in the old garden when you first told my father and me all your dreams and plans. Ah ! those old days ! They'll never come again. How mad we were !

{Laughs a little bitterly, goes two or three steps dowji stage, light.) Philos {rises, follows he?-). These days are better. There's nothing changed.

Una. Yes, the wind has {7vith a little shiver). You'll go to Costa Rica ?

Philos. I must.

ACT I THE CRUSADERS 37

Una. And leave your work here to — your comrade? {^Glancing up at hi/n for a viomenf.)

Philos {tenderly). Yes, to you — and to —

Una {going away from him). No, not to me; I mean to your new comrade.

(CvNTHL\ comes dozen stairs, right.)

Philos {sees Cynthia) . Hush !

Una {rutini?ig past him towards stairs, with a laugh). Good luck to you and your new comrade ! (Cynthla. cotnes doton centre, rather indignantly, taking no notice of Una, flings herself rather angrily into chair.)

Philos {goes to Cynthia, bends over her). What is it?

Una {going upstairs, peeps through curtains ; aside, bitterly). She won't be his comrade for three years.

{Exit.)

Philos {bending over Cynthia). What has displeased you ?

Cynthia. Everything., They're quarrelling like bears. Oh, Pm tired of them ! They're silly, and fussy, and selfish. You are the only one of us whose heart is in the work. All the money is legally mine. Take it all!

Carry out your plans your own way !

Philos. Mrs. Greenslade — if I dared tell you.

C\-nthl\. What ?

Philos. Perhaps you would despise me.

Cynthia. Despise you?

38 THE CRUSADERS act i

Philos. I will tell you. In two days I shall have left England.

Cynthia. You must go? {Qi/ickiy, anxiously.) Philos. Would you have me stay?

{^She looks at him, says nolliing, turns, sits on sofa.) Philos. Ah ! you don't know what wild hopes you raise in me ! I love you ! (Cynthl^'s face shoivs great satisfaction and pride through all the speech.) You're life, and food, and air, and summer, and sun, and strength, and breath to me. Your presence is my very heaven. I love you ! I have loved you ever since — ah, I must tell you — from the moment I saw you my life was changed ! Before my heart was aware of it, I loved you; before I dared breathe it to myself! {Dropping his voice.) When you belonged to him I found a secret passion in my soul I could not kill. I strove against it, but it would rebel against me and hve. Don't think me willingly base. Be sure my least thought has neyer sullied you. Be sure I would have gone through fire rather than breathe it to you. {Pause, calmer.) I could not crush it, so I turned its course. The love it would have been sacrilege and infamy to offer to you, I tried to fling broadcast among mankind, for your sake. You gave me new hopes, new ideals, new resolves. It was you that filled me with this great scheme. Your lips lireathed it to me when you spoke the simplest words. My dream has been to make this great city wear

ACT I THE CRUSADERS 39

some image of your beauty, catch some reflection from you, and be a fit resting-place for you, that you might breathe its air for a moment as you passed by.

Cynthia {highly gratified, so/t/y). I like you to speak hke this. How you love me ! You make me feel I could do anything if you were beside me. Oh, let me help you ! What can I do ?

Philos. You love me ! {She looks dozvn; he takes her hand.) I know you do I Take up my work while I am away from England.

Cynthla. {pained'). Oh, but I don't want you to leave me I Philos {very tenderly'). You don't wish me to do my duty?

Cynthla.. Yes, of course, but I don't want you to leave me.

Philos {after a pause, sad, resigned). I'll stay.

C\'NTHLA. No, — go ! I won't say another word.

Philos. Una Dell will help us. She's beaten gold.

Cynthia. I don't want any one to help you except me. I want it to be all our work.

Philos. Let if be ours; but if you need a counsellor at any time, go to her.

Cynthia. How long shall you be away?

Philos. Six months at most.

Cynthia. Oh, but that's eternity ! It's cruel of you. Must you go?

VuiLOS {after a pause). No, I'll stay. {Sighs.) 40 THE CRUSADERS act i

Cynthia. No, no : it's selfish of me.

Philos. It's selfish of me to ask you to share such a life as mine.

Have you counted the cost ? It will not be easy.

Cynthia. You doubt me? I'll take any vow, any promise —

Philos. There is no need of that.

Cynthia. You trust me?

Philos. As my own soul. When I return it will be to claim my bride ?

Cynthia. There's my hand ; it's yours.

Philos {takes it, kisses it irverently, whispers^. Your lips ? {She bends towards him ; he is about to kiss her.) No. I would have you still above me, still out of my reach. And let it show how sacred was my love for you, that lest there should be the least dishonour in my first love for you, I will not kiss your lips till I return. You'll keep that kiss for me?

Cynthia. Till you return to claim your bride.

{He kisses her hand again reverently.)

Curtain falls.

{Fifteen months pass between Acts I. and II.) ACT II

Scene — The Cottages and Rose-farm at Wimbledon.

Two deeply thatched cottages, one on left side running from footlights up to back of stage; the other and larger one is built diagonally across stage on the right. They are both very quaint and old-fashioned, and are completely smothered in roses of all kinds.

Roses everywhere about the garden.

Doors leading into each cottage.

An arch of roses stretches from one cottage to another at back.

Garden seats and an old tree-trunk down stage.

It is the height of summer.

A summer sunset at the beginning of act; moonlight during the later part.

Enter Dick in evening dress from door of cottage at back, Coynes down to back of garden seat, looks up at balcony.

Dick. How much longer do you mean to keep me dangling after you, madam? I've wasted fifteen months on your committee, and I've neither reformed London, nor unreformed you. {]Talking up towards 41

42 THE CRUSADERS act ii

balcony^ I wonder whether she knows where that Ingarfield fellow really is. He's been back in England more than a week. I've bowled him out. But when does my innings begin? (^Looking round.) I've a good mind to risk it to-night. ( Going up balcony, steps cautiously.) Enter from cottage at back Lord Burnham in evening dress, ivith telegrams and despatches i?i hand, evidently excited and in bad temper.

Dick {on balcony, opens window). Window open ! Her room ! {Looks in, cotnes back to front.) It's too bad to throw temptation in my way like this !

Lord Burnham {turning in vexation, catches sight ^/Dick). Dick!

Dick {surprised, conies Jmrriedly down). Sir?

Lord Burnham. M1iat the devil are you doing there ?

Dick {lamely). I was just a— {seeing the despatches in Lord Burnham's hand). More bad news from Costa Rica, sir?

Lord Burnham. I wish Costa Rica was at the bottom of the sea !

Dick {follotving him). Who could have imagined that confounded Ingarfield would have got us into such a mess with the Costa Rica Government?

Lord Burnham. Who could have imagined anything else? {Sitting on garden seat.)

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 43

Dick. We can't really be liable.

Lord Burnham. We gave a guarantee that he should look after his damned ne'er-do-wells. Well, naturally the Costa Rica Government say the ne'erdo-wells weren't looked after, or the rioting and plundering would never have happened; and we shall have to pay four or five million damages.

Dick {^cheerfully). There must be some way out of it. International law is so jolly foggy. Can't we bring a big claim against Costa Rica for unlawfully imprisoning Ingarfield ?

Lord Burnham. It was his escape that was unlawful. They're demanding we should send him back to stand his trial.

Dick. Well, let's catch him, and send him back, and tell them to take it out of him.

Lord Burnham. So I would, but the political dissenters have taken it up, and they're making a hero and a martyr of Ingarfield. This country would be easy to govern if it were not for the political dissenters. They're calling mass-meetings against the government everywhere, — Manchester to-morrow, Newcastle on Thursday.

{Rises angrily, comes up to Dick.) Now understand me, I've had enough of this tomfoolery !

Dick. You don't call reforming London, tomfoolery, sir?

Lord Burnham. Reform my grandmother !

Dick. Well, sir, you're T'resident, and if you bring 44 THE CRUSADERS act ii

forward a comprehensive scheme of ancestral improvement, I daresay we can work it in.

Lord Burnham {hurt). It's good taste to jeer at me, Dick, after having ruined my reputation before the country !

Dick. I beg your pardon, sir.

Lord Burnhaim. Then don't disgrace me any further !

Dick. What do you mean ?

Lord Burnham. You're a married man. People are talking about you and Mrs. Greenslade.

Dick. On my honour, there's been no more than a harmless flirtation.

Lord Burnham. Then break it off, give up your house down here, come back to town with me tonight, and don't see her any more.

Dick {shuffling azvay). I can't come back to-night.

Lord Burnham. You won't? I haven't been a bad father to you, Dick.

Dick. I promise you, sir, there shall be no occasion for any future gossip about me and that lady. {Holds out hand.) Lord Burnham {looks at him). I believe you. {Takes hand, shakes it cordially.) And we'll give up reforming London. I've had enough of it. I shall resign at once. If we could only find where this fellow Ingarfield is ! Read those. (Giving telegrams and despatches to Dick, wlio goes to seat and reads them.)

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 45

Cynthia in a'eniiig dress, 7viihout ivrap, entos from cottage at back, comes down.

Lord Burnham. I wish the Costa Rica people had hanged him —

Dick. Eh?

Lord Burnham. By mistake. They could have apologised for it.

C\Tsn'HiA. What's the matter, Lord Burnham ?

Lord Burnham. I'm very sorry, Mrs. Greenslade, that we ever tried our hand at improving this very excellent planet, just as it was revolving on its own axis so comfortably.

Cynthia. You've heard of the public meeting.

Lord Burnham. At Newcastle?

Cynthia. Newcastle ? No ; here in Wimbledon.

Lord Burnham. Wimbledon?

Cynthia. The residents have summoned a public meeting caUing upon us to remove the rose-farm, because they say the rose-farming girls have not been behaving nicely, and are spoiling the neighbourhood.

Lord Burnham. They don't put it down to the government ?

Cynthia. No ; not at present.

Lord Burnham. That's lucky. I must resign my presidency before they do.

Cmstthia. Oh, you won't desert us just as everything is going wrong !

46 rilE CRUSADERS act ii

Lord Burnham. I'm afraid I must.

Dick {aside, lookifig at Cynthia). She's more charming than ever.

What a fool I was to promise to give her up ! I won't !

Lord Burnham. You told me Mr. Ingarfield might be here to-night.

Cynthia {embarrassed). I thought he might be. {Turns away.) Lord Burnham. You've not seen him since his return from Costa Rica?

Cynthia. No.

Lord Burnham. It would be wise for him to meet me.

Cynthia. Why won't you tell me if the Government will send him back to stand his trial ?

Lord Burnham. I must not pledge myself. Are you in personal communication with him ?

Cynthia. No ; but I could send him a message.

Lord Burnham. Tell him I wish to see him at once in your presence —

Cynthia. In my presence?

Lord Burnham. Is there any objection?

Cynthia. No. When and where shall it be ?

Lord Burnham. If I could see him before the Cabinet meeting tomorrow afternoon. Would tomorrow at eleven here be convenient to you ?

Cynthia. Yes. {Aside.) I shall have to meet him ! {Looks rather perplexed.)

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 47

Palsam in evenitig dress enters from cottage at back, conies gingerly down.

(Dick has risen, brings telegrams and despatches to Lord Burnham.) Dick. What's to be done, sir? Lord Burnham. Resign, go to the country, and get kicked out. ( Catching sight of Palsam.) Here's that httle mongrel! {Hurries to garden seat, sits and assumes profound interest in the despatches.')

(Dick hurriedly crosses over to Cvnthu,

talks with her.) (Palsajm looks on each side to see whom he shall victimise.)

Worrell enters from cottage at back 7vith coffee on tray, comes down to C\'Nthia and Dick, gives them coffee.

(Palsam finally decides to victimise Lord Burnham, comes to back of garden seat, leatis amiably over to Lord Burnham, who is profoundly occupied with his despatches.) (Cynthla and Dick take coffee from Worrell.)

Palsam {coughs, fidgets, then in a very insinuating way). How very terrible these recent turf-frauds are, my lord !

Lord Burnham {without looking up). Shocking ! Shocking !

48 THE CRUSADERS act ii

Palsam. And one of your trainers was concerned.

Lord Burnham. Was he?

Palsam {in his pleasantest manner, %vith a sweet insinuating smi/e).

Can't I tempt you to give up horse-racing, my lord ?

Lord Burnham {with affable contempt, in quite an indifferent tone). I don't think so, Mr. Palsam. I don't think so. {Calls Dick from Cynthia, ta^es him a step or two up stage.)

(Worrell crosses zvith coffee to Pai.sai\l) Lord Burnham {pointing out something in despatch as if calling Dick's attention to it, in a low tone to Dick), If somebody doesn't kick Palsam, I shall. {Pockets despatches.)

Dick. I think I would. {Talks to Cynthu.)

Cynthia {to Worrell, who is going up stage). \\'orrell! (Worrell stops.

Palsam watches Worrell suspiciously.)

Cynthla. Ask Victorine to bring my lace shawl.

Worrell. Yes, madam.

{Exit into cottage right, watched by Palsam, who the moment he has gone off, turns to Cyn'ihia.)

Palsam. Is that — quite — prudent ?

Cynthlv {blankly). What?

Palsam. There was quite a guilty look on his face when you mentioned Victorine.

Cynthia {stares at Palsam, calmly). What do you mean, ISIr. Palsam

?

ACT 11 THE CRUSADERS 49

Palsam {quickly, nervously^. Oh, I don't positively accuse him ; but she is French, you know. C\'^THIA. Worrell is a most respectable man. Palsam {eagerly). That's it ! that's it! You never know what's underneath outward respectability.

C\TSTHIA {rises, calmly itulignaiit). I don't wish to know.

Palsam {aside). There's something wrong going on here. I feel it's my duty to miss my last train and find out what it is. I will !

(ViCTORiNE, a smart, good-looking French maid, enters from cottage at back with Cynthl^'s shawl.)

ViCTORiNE. Madame's shawl.

(Dick takes shawl frojn Victorine and goes down to CvNTHLA with it.

Palsam ^catches Victorine very closely. Dick wraps shawl round Cynthia.)

Victorine. Which cottage will madame please to occupy to-night ?

Cynthl\. My own, Victorine.

(Dick, who is cloaking C\'NTHL'\, shows he notices this.) Worrell enters, collects coffee cups, waits.

Victorine. And Madame Blake? C\"NTHU. Mrs. Blake will stay as usual in her own rooms in the visitors' cottage. e 5°

THE CRUSADERS

Palsam {aside). That creature is asking those questions for some purpose. {To Cynthia.) Don't you find it very inconvenient having visitors here?

Cynthia. Rather, the cottages being divided.

Pai.sam. How do you arrange the — a — accommodation?

CvNrHiA. I reserve that cottage (^pointing left) entirely for my lady visitors, and I send my gentlemen to the little inn — it's very

comfortable. My own rooms and the reception-rooms are all on that side. {Pointing right.) Why?

Palsam. Oh, nothing, nothing. {Watching VicTORiNE a7id Worrell.) Worrell {has been watching his chance to speak to Cynthia). Mr.

Portal is in the drawing-room, madam, and would like to see you and Lord Burnham.

Lord Burnham. See me?

Cynthm. He is the curate here. I suppose he has come about the rose-farmers.

Palsam {all alive with curiosity). We'd better all go into the drawingroom. My lord — if you'll come —

Lord Burnham. Thank you. I'm very comfortable where I am. {Seated with Cynthia.)

Cynthia. Show Mr. Portal to us here.

{Exit Worrell at hack.)

ViCTORiNE {waiting). Madame has no further commands ?

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 51

Cynthia. Wait for me in my sitting-room downstairs, Victorine. {Exit Victorine at back.)

Palsam. It's terrible to think what may have been going on at this rose-farm in our absence. This matter must be thoroughly probed.

{In ^rcat glee}) We mustn't shrink from knowing the truth merely because it may be shocking and disgusting. {Fussing— alt alei't.) Enter Worrell at back, showing in the Rev. Algernon Portal, a bland curate, with lank, sandy hair, and precise, rather nervous manners.

Worrell {announces). Mr. Portal! {Exit.) Portal {with precise, ncii'ous, cordial manner). My dear Mrs.

Greenslade, I've taken the really unpardonable liberty of calling at this hour because I heard that Lord Burnham was with you. {Nervous little chuckle — looking at Lord Burnhaivl) C\'NTHIA {presents). Mr. Portal — Lord Burnham.

Portal. I am charged to convey to you a very important decision arrived at by the inhabitants of Wimbledon with respect to these young persons employed on your rose-farm —

Palsam {very distressed and agitated). Dear me ! dear me !

Portal {glances at Palsam sympathisingly). Yes, it is indeed a painful subject. {Turns to Lord Burnham.) I thought it might be advantageous to you,

52 THE CRUSADERS act ii

Lord Burnham, to know that unless the rose-farm is immediately removed from Wimbledon, our member will question the Home Secretary on the subject. I need not add the inhabitants of Wimbledon are warm supporters of the Government, but — really —

you — a — understand. {Ends in a little nenwus chuckle^

Lord Burnham. Not quite. Who is aggrieved ?

Portal. The better class of residents in Wimbledon. I have had constant complaints.

Balsam. Dear me !

Bortal {looks sympathisingly at Balsam). Ye-es ! {Turns to Lord Burnha]\l) Wimbledon being a respectable residential neighbourhood, of course the mission of the Church in a respectable neighbourhood is — a — naturally to attend to the needs of the respectable residential — a — a — residents, and really, when a

quantity of badly behaved persons are brought into a respectable neighbourhood, I am sure, my lord, you'll agree with me that a — it is

—a—{jiervous little chuckle^ a—most embarrassing.

Lord Burnha]\l Decidedly, Mr. Portal, wicked people are very embarrassing, and the question what to do with them — both in this world and the next — is beset with difficulties.

Cynthl\. But we have engaged most respectable matrons.

Bortal. I fear you cannot rely upon them.

Balsam. I knew those matrons weren't to be trusted.

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 53

Portal. The most extraordinary conduct is frequent.

Palsam. Dear me ! dear me !

Portal. I have myself witnessed — a —

Palsam {eagerly). Yes — what?

Portal. Some very indecorous behaviour.

Palsa^l Could you point out the young persons?

Portal. There is one in particular. She is known amongst her companions as the Queen of the Marshal Niels.

Cynthla. But that's our model girl !

Dick {half aside). What must all the rest be like !

Palsaisl My lord, this is terrible, and I think you, as President —

Lord Burxham. I trust I shall not be held responsible for the very natural consequences of taking these poor, ignorant women from a

state of semi-starvation, feeding them well, and turning them loose in a place like this. Excuse me, Mr. Portal {rises), I cannot consider this as any business of mine {taki?ig out cigar-case, selecting cigar).

Palsam. Oh, my lord, when anything wicked is taking place, it's everybody's business — it's your business, it's my business —

Lord Burxh.^m. Ah, well, then, perhaps you'll be good enough to attend to it while I smoke my cigar. {Exit along garde?] path.) Palsam. Mr. Portal, we must look into this at 54 THE CRUSADERS act ii

once. If you'll come with me, I'll conduct you to these young women's quarters. Mrs. Greenslade, perhaps you'll accompany us, and then we can thoroughly discuss all the particulars.

Cynthia. I really can't leave my guests.

Palsam. Come along, Mr. Portal. (Fortal joins him at back of seat; affectionately links his arm in Portal's, and takes him up to archway at back. As they are going off, looks up at Portal.) Of what nature was this indecorous behaviour?

{^Exit with Portal very slowly at archway^

(Dick watches Palsam off, conies to back oj seat.) Dick. Mrs. Greenslade —

Cynthia. Well ?

Dick. I've promised my father to break it off.

Cynthia. Break what off?

Dick. My attachment to you.

Cynthia. Shall you keep your promise ?

Dick. Yes — after to-morrow.

Cynthia. Why not to-night?

Dick {approaching her passionately). Because this place was built on purpose to play Romeo and Juliet —

Cynthia. Indeed it wasn't; it was built for a farmhouse.

Dick {passionately). Cynthia !

Cynthia. Take care ! Mrs. Blake can see us.

Dick {following her). I've followed you like a spaniel, and how have you rewarded me?

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 55

Cynthia. I've given you thousands of civil words, hundreds of smiles, dozens of roses, and several pressures of the hand.

Dick. Do you call that rewarding?

Cynthia. You talk of "rewarding"? You don't know what love means.

Mrs. Campion-Blake enters from cottage, door right.

Dick. Cynthia, for Heaven's sake don't play cat and mouse with me any longer ! Tell me, is there any hope ? (^Leaning over the seat close to her.)

(Mrs. Campion-Blake comes down behind Dick.) Mrs. Cam. Bad children ! (Dick steps backwards, Cynthia shows a little confusion^ Bad children ! {To Dick.) Run away! I want to speak to Mrs. Greenslade. {More commaiidingly.) Run away ! I'm ashamed of you ! ( Comes left of seat beside Cynthia.) (Dick exits sulkily right.)

Mrs. Cam. {very reprovingly). Now, my dear, this must positively stop

!

CvNTHLfV {innocently). What must?

Mrs. Cam. Don't fence ! If Mr. Palsam finds out anything, what will be the end of it ?

Cynthia. Oh, Mr. Palsam is so busy suspecting all the innocent people, he has no time to attend to — {Stops, confused.) Mrs. Cam. The guilty !

Cynthia. No — no, indeed !

56 THE CRUSADERS act ii

Mrs. Cam. Well, shall we say — the not proven?

Cynthia. But you encouraged Mr. Rusper's visits.

Mrs. Cam. I know I did. I wanted him and his father to join the League. How was I to know that you would be so foolish as to allow him to make love to you ? However, now that the Duchess of Launceston has joined us, we can do very well without them. The Duchess is the dearest woman ! the sweetest woman ! — I never met with any woman with whom I had so much real sympathy as the Duchess! — but she is just a little bit prudish, and I wouldn't have that dear creature's name connected with the faintest breath of scandal.

Cynthia (a /iU/e /lo^/y). You need not fear. There will be no scandal.

Mrs. Cam. That's precisely what Lady Barringer said the very night before she eloped with her groom. Now, my dear, for the Duchess's sake as well as for your own, you must give Mr. Rusper his conge.

Besides, wasn't there some kind of an understanding between you and Mr. Ingarfield ? ( Watching Cynthia closely.)

Cynthia {rather confused). No — at least — I did think I cared for him, but that was more than a year ago.

Mrs. Cam. He has no claim on you ?

Cynthia. No — except — well, I was foolish enough to promise him one kiss when he returned from Costa Rica, but I meant at the end of a few weeks or months.

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 57

and I didn't suppose that everything was going wrong as it has done.

Mrs. Cam. Just so! We must reorganise the reformation of London on a totally new basis. Burnham wants to resign. We'll let him. Mr.

Palsam and Mr. Ingarfield must both be got rid of, and we must take the matter in our own hands.

Cynthia. Whose hands?

Mrs. Cam. Yours and mine, with the Duchess for President. And then we shall reform London in real earnest.

Cynthia. But the Duchess is very high church, and Mr. Greenslade detested high church.

Mrs. Cam. My dear, poor Mr. Greenslade was not in a fit mental state to be able to judge ; it requires a very profound intellect to understand such things. Depend on it, it's the only way.

(Cynthia walks slowly to right and plucks roses.) Mrs. Cam. {looking at Cynthia). Ingarfield will spoil everything again if he interferes. He must be got rid of somehow ! The Duchess would never endure him ! {Exit into cottage, left.) Cynthia. Throw over Mr. Ingarfield! I wish Una Dell would come. I wonder if my letter reached her. ( Goes np to balcony-steps behind seat.)

Enter at back Burge Jawle and Figg /;; evening dress.

Jawle {continues his discourse as he 7C'addles down stage. Figg brings cushion to seat, very obsequious

58 THE CRUSADERS act ii

and attentive). Yes, the feminine nature is essentially vile, small, narrow, malignant, treacherous — (pauses, surveys the different seats, sees comfortable corner). I think I will occupy that seat.

(Waddles up to it, arranges his cushion, tnakes himself comfortable.) I have not assimilated that cold veal pie I had for breakfast yesterday morning. {Tapping his chest.)

FiGG. No. I've never been able to understand the rabid admiration current in artistic circles for what is nauseously termed the female form divine.

Jawle {arranging his cushion^. True! {Leans, comfortably.) The natural outline of the female figure is hideous and repellant in the extreme.

Cynthia {co?nes down to seat with her rose). What are you saying, Mr. Jawle?

Jawle. The truth. Take your own case. You are supposed to have considerable personal attractions. Analyse your personal attractions.

Take a microscope. Look at your hand. {Taking her hand.) What is it?

A coarse, scaly epidermis, studded with huge bristles —

Cynthia {angrily withdrawing her hand). But ladies' hands are not meant to be looked at under microscopes.

Jawle. What are they meant for?

CvNTHLi {lookijig at her hand, holding it up in front of her). To be kissed on great occasions.

Jawle {shakes his head). Go a step further. Your so-called beauty is built up by the processes of nutrition. Follow the stages of nutrition

—

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 59

Cynthu {disgusted). Oh, please not, just after dinner !

Jawle {to Figg). See how people resent the truth ! (Composes hwiself.)

(Figg shnigs his shoulders and lifts his eyebrows in syfnpathy, rises, and goes down to Cynthu. Jawle composes himself, places his hands on his stomach, and goes into a reverie?) {Lights appear in the cottage windows.) Figg {to Cynthia). You mustn't be offended with him. We shall not have him with us long. Cynthia. What do you mean? Figg. He has finished the last volume of his social philosophy.

By the way, what is the depth of that large pond at the end of the grounds ?

Cynthla. From six to nine feet. Why? Figg. Nothing. He contemplated it for more than an hour this morning. I've always thought that the end would come by drowning.

Cynthia. Surely Mr. Jawle is not in earnest ? Figg {in a tone of benevolent pit}'). Not in earnest? Cynthla.. At least he won't do it here? Figg {solemnly). Everything is prepared. I am his sole executor.

{All the while Jawle remaijis in absorbed contemplation, quite regardless.) Cynihia {ratJier alarmed). Then, if there is the least danger of his doing anything so foolish and 6o THE CRUSADERS act ii

wicked, I beg you'll take him back to town to-night. Tell him so, please ! I really can't have it happen here. {Goes up, ineets Lord Burnham, then comes down, and sits on rockwork left.)

(FiGG goes over to Jawle, looks at him. Jawle remains sublimely unconscious. Figg assumes a tvorshipful attitude^ (Lord Burnham and Dick stroll on right, smoking. Dick sees Figg worshipping Jawle, and stays at back of seat to look at Jawle.) Figg {Jo Dick). How wonderful! He has the rarest faculty for burying himself.

Dick. Ah ! that'll come in useful when he commits suicide. {Strolls up to balcony steps, and sits and smokes.

Enter from archway at back Palsam, 7'ery excited and self-important.

•

Palsam {coming on a step or tivo, calls off). This way, madam ! {veiy sternly).

Enter at archway the Queen of the Marshal Neils, a saucy, sly, pretty, common London girl, in a smart cotton gown. She comes in 7vith a great affectation of modesty and shamefacedness, curtseying profoundly all round.

Palsam {calls off). You, madam, stay there till you're wanted. We shall require you, Mr. Portal.

ACT 11 THE CRUSADERS 6l

My lord, you said this was no business of yours — listen to this !

Portal comes in at archway rather bashfully; PalSAM follows a step or two on his right, very severe and consequential.

Palsam (^motions Queen to step forward). Now! The whole truth, and nothing but the truth !

Queen {coming fortvard, curtseying'). Oh, if you please, sir, and kind ladies and gentlemen all, it's no denying there have been dreadful carryings on, and sich conduct as it's made my heart bleed for to see. But it isn't me ! It's all that Glory Deejohn !

Palsam. Take care, hussy! I have the plainest evidence against you!

Queen. Have you, sir?

Palsam {taking out pencil and pocketdook). And I shall take down every word you say.

Queen {snivel—snivel—and then a sudden outburst of tears). Oh, if you please, ladies and gentlemen, there never was a poor girl so worrited and buffeted with temptation as I've been ; and if I have give way at times, there have been other times when I've been quite a pattern!

Palsam. A pattern !

Queen. Yes, sir. Ask any of the girls else. I've talked to 'em about the wickedness of their ways, till I've drawed streaming tears down their cheeks. And

62 THE CRUSADERS act ii

the bewtiful language I've used ! I'm sure the dear good gentleman himself {glanchig at Portal, ogling him) couldn't have used more bewtiful language than I did ! (Portal moves a Utile, coughs, l^lushes, and looks nervous.) Oh, sir (/f Portal, with a renewed burst of tears), you would have been joyful if you could have heard me ! (^Further embarrassment on the partofVoKVXi..) And several other dear, kind gentlemen have been quite struck with the pretty innocence of my ways. And now to stand here and be scorned and inspected by everybody ! (Again bursts into tears.) (Figg has been listening attentively to the foregoing proceedings. Jawle has been perfectly absorbed, his large bland face lifted upzvards, quite regardless of what has taken place.)

The Lady Gloire de Dijon enters at left archway.

Queen {recovering from her sobs). It can't be me, because my conscience always accuses me when I've done wrong, and my conscience don't accuse me a bit. It's a case of mistaken idemnity—

it's that Glory Deejohn that's at the bottom of it. Oh, she is a real downright bad lot, that Glory Deejohn is ! If I was to tell you all —

Palsam {encouragingly). Go on ! go on !

{The Lady Gloire de Dijon runs down to the side of Palsam.) Lady Gloire {bursting in). Ask her to tell you all ACT II THE CRUSADERS 63

about 'erself! Why, on'y last Sunday evening as ever was —

Queen (very quickly). Oh ! oh ! oh ! Glory Deejohn, how can you stand there and tell such wicked falsehoods, and not be afraid as something'U happen to you ! Oh ! {appealing to Portal) . On'y fancy, good gentleman, on Sunday evening, after listening to them lovely words as flowed from your lips — (Portal again shoxvs eml?

arrassment.) Oh ! I blush for you, Glory Deejohn ! — I blush for you !

Lady Gloire. Blush for yourself! {rushing at Queen.) Palsam {authoritatively). Silence !

(Lady Gloire and Queen both make jnotions as if about to speak.) Palsam. Silence ! We all wish to learn (Lord Burnham takes out his watch) about last Sunday evening.

Lord Burnham {stepping forward). Excuse me, I don't. Pve only ten minutes to catch my train back to town.

(Lady Gloire comes down to front of seat, and an angry dispute in dumb show takes place between her and the Queen.) Palsam. But, my lord, it's most important! Lord Burnham. Thank you; I think I can dispense with knowing what happened on Sunday evening. (Pai^am, rather snubbed, goes to Queen afid Lady Gloire, zuho are quarrelling^

64 tup: crusaders act II

Lord Burnham {takes an envelope out of pocket^. Mrs. Greenslade.

(Cynthia conies to him.) I've scribbled a few lines to Mr. Ingarfield.

Will you see that he has them to-night ?

Cynthia (^taking letter, putting it in pocket). Yes, if possible.

Lord Burnham. Thank you.

Lady Gloire {loudly). Ask Miss Pattison else !

Queen. Well, ask Miss Pattison !

Lord Burnham. Dick, you'll come to the station with me ?

Dick. Certainly, sir.

Lord Burnil-vm {goes to Portal). Good evening, Mr. Portal. You have my sincere sympathy in your efforts to preserve the respectability of Wimbledon.

Portal. What would you recommend should be done with these young — a — persons ?

Lord Burnham {glancing at the group of Pals.ajm, Queen, and Lady Gloire). I should leave them entirely in Mr. Palsam's hands.

Palsam. Silence ! I will subject Miss Pattison to a strict cross-examination. {Takes out watch.) I shall have time to question her before the rose-song is sung. Go back to the dormitories — at once !

{They pass in front of him, Lady Gloire first. Queen turns round and curtseys elaborately.)

Queen {ogling Portal) . The dear good gentleman will stipify to my innocence !

ACT 11 THE CRUSADERS 65

Portal (^very embarrassed^. Really — I wasn't there ! {^Exeunt Queen and Lady Gloire. Palsam folloios thein^ Palsam (^pushes them off). Go away, you hussies !

{They exeunt quarrelling?) Lord Burnham {turns to Cynthia). Are those our model girls ? CYNTmA. Yes.

Lord Burnham. I trust we haven't reformed the others. Come, Dick.

{Exit. C\'NTHLA has offered hand to Dick.) Dick, I'll say "Good night" on my way back from the station {dropping his voice to a hnu aside to her), if it must be said. {Looks at her mearnngly. She just ghmces at him and comes down to seat.)

{Exit Dick.) {Pause. Lights in windoio left. Portal goes towards Cynthia. Figg and Jawle have been watching. Jawle suddenly emits his gurgling, melancholy chuckle.) Cvnthl\ {rather sharply). What's the matter, Mr. Jawle ?

Jawle {elated in his melancholy 7C'ay). I cannot refrain from a smile when human nature illustrates my theories.

Portal {rather embarrassed, to Cynthia). I'm sure you will see that a residential neighbourhood like Wimbledon is scarcely the place for rose-farmers. Cynthia. But where can I take them ?

66 THE CRUSADERS act ii

Portal. I should say there are remote country parishes where they would be quite — quite a welcome addition to the population. I'll call for your decision next Wednesday, before the meeting. In the meantime, good evening ! {Exit at back.)

(Jawle emits another melancholy chuckle.)

FiGG {coming to Cynthia). Oh, by the way, I've persuaded Jawle to accept that other two hundred pounds to publish the last volume of his philosophy — I was careful not to hurt his feelings.

Cynthia. I'm glad of that !

(Jawle chuckles again.)

Cynthia {shows annoyance). . You seem pleased that the rose-farm is discredited.

Jawle {solemnly). My dear lady, if people will act in direct contravention of those great principles laid down in my philosophy, what can they expect but discomfiture and failure ?

Worrell enters door at back with Figg's and Jawle's hats and overcoats ; comes down and puts them on du7-ing following scene.

C\Tn"HiA. But what can be done with these poor girls ?

Jawle {rises and majestically waddles towards her). Nothing can be done ! Charity is merely a form of refined selfishness. You see distress ; you are pained \ to relieve your pain you scatter benefits broadcast.

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 67

which corrupt both the giver and the receiver. {Looks round, fidgets.) This night air is noxious, and my vital processes are so slow ! {A Utile shiver; beckons Worrell.)

(Worrell hats and coats Jawte.)

FiGG {to C\-NTfflA). You must let me bring my new poet to you. I call him my poet, because I discovered him.

C\TCTHL^. Oh, did you ?

FiGG. Yes; quite by accident, in a little street off the Harrow Road.

He's a superb genius ! His name's Radbone.

Cynthia. Radbone ?

FiGG. Yes; he's the sternest pessimist — sterner even than Jawle.

Nobody has seized the inner core of the Harrow Road and Paddington Hke Radbone.

Cynthl\. Oh ! I don't know him.

FiGG. No ; the herd — I do not use the word in an offensive sense

— the herd do not know Radbone. But they shall. I am organising a Radbone Society. You'll expect us here to breakfast ?

(^j;/V Worrell, having finished with Jawle.) Cynthu. Oh, yes, yes !

Jawle. To breakfast?

Cynthl\. Yes.

Jawle {mysteriously, as if pondering). Um—{a long grunt). To breakfast ?

Cvxthl-\. You'll come, of course !

68 THE CRUSADERS act ii

Jawle {mysfi^rioitslv). Possibly, possibly ! {JVaddles off sloivly right, jealously looking at Figg.) Radbone ! (Figg goes after him.) Cynthia {follotai/ig them tip). Surely he does not intend Figg {hurriedly). I trust not ! I think not ! If I should observe anything, I'll let you know. Good night ! {Exit hurriedly after Jawle right.)

Cynthia {watches them off). How could I have been so foolish as to ask them here !

Efiter Worrell at back. Una appears at door.

Worrell. Miss Dell!

Cynthia. I'll come I {Seeing Una.) No ; I'll see Miss Dell here.

(Una comes down stage.)

Cynthia {gives hand, which Una takes after a slight hesitation). You received my letter, then?

Una. Yes. What do you want with me ?

Cynthia. Where is Mr. Ingarfield?

Una. His address is secret.

Cynthia. From me?

Una. From everybody, till he knows whether the Government will give him up.

Cynthlv. But I wish to help him.

Una. Aren't you rather late ?

Cynthm. {turns away, ashamed). Late?

Una, The moment he reached England he wrote ACT 11 THE CRUSADERS 69

to you he was coming to you. He has called at your house in London each evening, and the only answer has been, " IMrs. Greenslade is away from home, but all letters will be forwarded."

C\ts;thl\ incomes down a few steps, hangs her head, speaks in a lotv, ashamed voice^. What does he think of me?

UxA. He thinks you are a model of constancy and devotion.

Cynthia {I'ery a?igrily, coming towards her). Don't jeer at me !

Una. I'm not jeering ! You asked me what he thought of you. I've told you.

C\TsrTHLA.. He does not know — or suspect —

Una. Suspect you ? He thinks you are away travelling— abroad, perhaps — and every time you are denied to him, he says, "How she will grieve when she knows ! "

CvNTHU. Poor fellow ! You have not told him —

Una. Why should I tell him? He'll learn soon enough that— {Stops.) Cynthu. That what?

Una. That fifteen months is long for a woman's devotion to last!

Cynthia. Why do you taunt me? I'm doing all I can for his safety. Only to-night I have offered Lord Burnham everything — all the Greenslade bequest— if the Government will not give him up.

Una. What does Lord Burnham sav?

^o THE CRUSADERS act ii

Cynthia. He wishes to see Mr. Ingarfield at once. Here is a letter.

{^Producing letter.') Will you give it to Mr. Ingarfield?

U'iix {takmg letter). Yes.

Cynthia. To-night ?

Una. Yes.

Cynthia. He is in London?

Una. No, not in London; but I'll take it to him. Good night! ( Going up stage.)

Cynthia. Good night! {Suddenly.) Stay!

Una {coming down). What is it?

Cynthla. {pacing backwards and forwards, undecided). No — I cannot—and yet he must know. Will you take a message to him from me ?

Una {comes down to Qxkiyha). Go on !

Cynthia {kindly). You are his friend, his sister. He told me so.

Una {in the calmest, most indifferent tone). Yes; he was my father's friend, and I saw a great deal of him some years ago; and we love the same strange truths that nobody else believes in.

Cynthia. How is he? He's not ill?

Una. No — not ill; worn and exhausted after all he has gone through, but strong with hope and courage, and {very softly) love for you !

Cynthia {cries out). Oh, how will he bear to know that — that I have changed! {Sits on seat; buries her face in her hands.) Una {approaches her, puts the question very ACT II THE CRUSADERS 71

quietly, but zvith intense interest). Changed? Have you changed so that you can never love him again ?

Cynthia. I cannot help it ! I did love him truly and faithfully—at least, I thought I did; but month after month I've found myself caring less and less for him ! I would love him if could, but my heart will not be driven — tell him so. Oh, I've begun to write to him dozens of times, but I've been too cowardly; and when I heard last week he had come back to England, I ran away because I was afraid to meet him and tell him my love was dead !

Una {same outwardly calm, indifferent tone). And you wish me to break the news to him ?

CvNTHU. I wish to save him pain. The blow will be kinder from a friend's hand than mine.

Una. Very well! I'm his friend. I'll send the dagger into his heart.

CvNTHLA {rising angrily, crosses to centre). Don't speak to me like that! Don't you see how wretched I am ? Send him to me ! I'll wait here for him, and tell him the truth myself! ( Walking angrily backwards and forwards.)

Una. No. You are right. It will be softer to come from me.

Cynthia. You'll be very gentle with him?

Una. Oh yes ; I'll kill him kindly.

Cynthla.. Why can't you spare me? You make me feel as if I were murderins: him ! I would love

72 THE CRUSADERS act ii

him if I could. Tell him so, and tell him that all I have in the world is freely his.

Una. All you have in the world is freely his.

Cynthia. Except my heart.

Una. Except your heart.

Cynthia. Come to-morrow, and let me know how he bears it.

Una. I will. Which is the nearest way to the station ?

Cynthia. I'll send one of the servants. {Going towards cottage, centre.')

Una. No. Nobody will harm me. The nearest way?

Cynthia {pointing off left). That way takes you into the footpath.

Una {going off down stage left, curtly). Thank you. Good night !

Cynthia {comes down to her very tenderly and kindly). Oh, don't let him think me heartless and unkind — indeed I'm not— {Suddenly).

Kiss me !

Una. Kiss you? Do you think I want to teach my lips the trick of breaking faith?

Cynthia {furious). How dare you? how dare you?

Una {laughs). Dare? I'm going to break his heart with your message.

Dare ? {Laughs. Is going.) (Cynthia, maddened, takes her by the shoulder. Una turns, faces Cynthia.)

Cynthia. You love him !

ACT II THE CRUSADERS 73

Una {close to Cynthia, looking straight at her). Yes, I love him ! {Exit down stage, left.)

(Cynthia, maddened, walks up and down the stage, and then throws herself into a seat.) {The moon is rising.) Dick enters behind her at the rose-arch ; comes up to her.

Dick. Cynthia!

Cynthia. Leave me ! I hate you !

Dick {following her). Hate me ?

Cynthia {pacing backwards and forwards). Yes; you've made me break my word and despise myself.