Chapter Nine

“Are you sure we’re allowed to be in here?” Sean whispered, his eyes huge as he looked at all the books on the shelves. His wonder tugged at Alex’s heart, further cementing their bond. The past few days, they’d made loved, fucked, and laughed as much as they could.

They hadn’t even left their bedroom until today, when it dawned on Alex that they hadn’t seen any of the rest of HQ. He’d been too busy monopolising Sean’s time, but he was pretty sure—positive, actually—that Sean hadn’t minded. In fact, he’d nearly had to drag Sean out of their room.

The man was definitely on the shy side. Alex thought it was cute.

“It’s fine. Marcus said we could go anywhere except barging into people’s bedrooms.

He never minded letting anyone use his library, either, so relax.” Alex leaned down and kissed the side of Sean’s neck. He always shivered and whimpered softly when Alex did that, and both reactions were addictive.

“Okay. Jeez, you know I melt when you do that,” Sean grumbled good naturedly.

“Which is part of why I do it,” Alex teased back, winking—something he’d never imagined himself doing, go figure—at his mate. He draped his arm over Sean’s shoulders and rubbed the back of his neck. The knobs of his spine weren’t as prominent as they’d been when he first found Sean. Alex glanced at Sean’s profile as he looked over a row of mystery books. The bruises were finally gone, his arm healed days ago, and he’d even gained some weight. His skin was pale, but attractively so, and he glowed with good health and happiness.

The strawberry blond hair was growing fast, something not uncommon in shifters. The inch-long growth looked to be curling already. Alex tried to picture it as he moved his hand up to rub the silky strands at the base of Sean’s hairline.

“It is curly,” Sean mumbled as he reached for a book. “That’s why Joshua kept it shaved. He said I looked like a girl. All my family teased me about that. They used to call me Goldilocks when my hair was still white-blond.

Once it darkened to this colour, the ginger insults began.”

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Alex narrowed his eyes, trying to picture Sean with lighter hair and curls.

The image that popped up was so vivid he knew it wasn’t ‘make believe’

but a memory. He struggled to place it, and once he did he shared it with Sean. “That was you, right? I saw you once, from a distance, mind you, and thought you were a girl.”

Sean turned and arched a brow at him, but his lips twitched as he tried not to smile. “A girl? Really, Alex? And yeah, I don’t remember that day, but what you showed me was me and Joshua walking to one of our brother’s cabin.” Sean’s brows scrunched down as he frowned at Alex. “That had to be around the time I was seven or eight. You’d think I’d remember that, but when I try I want to slip back to that safe place I told you about.”

“The one I hate, but am glad you had in the past,” Alex said. He’d asked Sean about it yesterday, and Shania had been right. It was the only way Sean had been able to cope with the abuse he’d suffered.

Sean was still frowning but he did take Alex’s hand. “I don’t think I need it any more.

It’s not nearly as nice as being here with you.”

Alex’s joy at hearing that was tempered by Sean admitting his mind wanted to pull him inside it and keep him safe. He struggled to bring the image into sharper focus, sharing it with Sean as he did, hoping he wasn’t making a colossal mistake. He replayed that bit of memory like a movie reel, slowing it down to explore every second of it.

There was only that glimpse, a second or two in time when a teenage boy glanced up to see an attractive man walking with what Alex had thought was a little girl. Alex hadn’t paid much attention to the child, instead lead by his hormones to look at the male.

That should have been the end of the memory, except Sean gasped and his hand jerked from Alex’s to press at his head. The book he’d been holding fell to the floor as Sean brought that hand to his head as well, holding it as if trying to keep his head from exploding. His pupils dilated and the scent of his fear filled the room. Sean’s eyes snapped shut, but the reel played on, this time, Alex realised, from Sean’s memories.

The little blond boy was tagging along behind his older brother, who he idolised.

Joshua had always kept the other family members from picking on him, even going so far as to move Sean into his bedroom and taking him with him everywhere Joshua went. Sean loved his brother fiercely, and thought he’d always be safe with him, which was why…

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The child-Sean turned his head in the memory, sniffing at the air.

Something smelt good, better than anything he’d ever scented before. It wasn’t a food kind of good, either. It didn’t make his tummy rumble, but it did make his heart race and his fingers and toes tingle.

Warmth suffused him when he inhaled deeply. That odour made him feel safe, safer than even Joshua did. He stopped and pivoted on his heel, determined to find the source. When he spotted it, Sean lit up inside like the big fireworks display Joshua had taken him to see last summer. Sean took a step forward—

“No!” Sean, the here and now adult Sean, screamed and dropped to his knees. The agony and terror that flooded him slammed into Alex as well.

Alex clutched at his temple as he reached for Sean with his other hand. The link between them snapped closed, and Sean started to topple over.

Alex forgot about the grenade that went off in his head and caught Sean, falling with him but rolling onto his back to protect his mate. The tiled floor vibrated with the sound of running feet, heavy footsteps in rapid succession as voices called out from different directions.

Alex cradled Sean to his chest, one hand cupping the back of Sean’s head and the other arm around his back. He tried to reach through that barrier of nothingness, but Sean was gone in a way that sent terror shrieking through Alex’s veins. He closed his eyes and tried again, coaxing, pleading, demanding, but nothing worked.

* * * *

“He looks like he’s sleeping.”

Alex dragged his gaze away from Sean’s chest. He couldn’t squash the fear that Sean would just…quit and leave him permanently. Marcus stood in the doorway, his hand on the knob. Alex hadn’t even heard him knock. His world had narrowed down to this one slender man in their bed.

“But he’s not,” Alex pointed out unnecessarily. Marcus had been the first to arrive in the library, followed by Nathan and Alison and just about everyone else at HQ. When even the Alpha Anax couldn’t get a response from Sean, Shania had made everyone but Alex leave then had him carry Sean back to their room.

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Shania examined him and left, probably not very long ago, but Alex hadn’t paid attention to time, except to think it’d been forever since that moment in the library. He’d berated and cursed himself innumerable times and figured Marcus was here now to do the same. That was fine, because Alex knew he deserved it and more.

Marcus walked over to the bed and glanced at Alex. “I’m going to touch him. That’s not a request, but a warning for you to behave when I do it.”

Alex would have snarled over being scolded like a child, but what was the point? He’d harmed his mate, the one thing he’d promised Sean he’d never do. Marcus would be within rights to take him out back and whip him by whatever means he saw fit.

Marcus smoothed his hand over Sean’s brow, then caressed his hair with a tenderness that seemed an unspoken blessing. He pinched a budding curl between his finger and thumb, then craned his neck and grinned at Alex.

“Curls. I wouldn’t have expected it. Soft, too. I thought maybe Sean’s hair would be frizzy, you know, or straight, but it looks as if he’ll have even curlier hair than I do. That can be the bane to a man’s masculinity.” He looked back at Sean, frowning after a moment.

“I didn’t realise…huh.” Marcus lifted his hand and straightened up then walked to the table and dragged the other chair to the bedside. “I hadn’t really looked at Sean, you know.

When I was a captive, all I could focus on was trying to survive. He was just this sweet kid who was trying to help me at great risk to himself. Then when you found him, he was—”

Marcus stopped and shook his head. “Well, you know how he looked. The two of you holed up in here for days, and,” his smile took on a wicked edge.

“Consummated your bond, at least to an extent. You’ve got Sean’s mark right here.” Marcus touched the bite that Sean had freshened earlier that morning. “But the point is, I hadn’t seen him since he’d healed.

He’s very—and don’t take this wrong—beautiful, isn’t he?”

“I might take it wrong.”

Marcus jumped, slipping forward in his seat at his mate’s snapped words.

Alex glanced at the doorway and thought he should have locked the damned thing. He wanted to be alone with his mate, not listening to another mated pair bicker.

Nathan walked over and sat down on Marcus’ lap. From his peripheral vision, Alex saw the red head lick a stripe up Marcus’ jaw. “You’re lucky I’m not the jealous type,”

Nathan purred.

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“There’s no reason to really be jealous. Your mate wouldn’t ever cheat on you.” Alex wanted them gone already.

Marcus narrowed his eyes at Alex. He didn’t even have to see the man to know it, he could feel the Alpha Anax’s glare. “And that’s why you and every other mate get pissy over someone else touching their mate.”

‘Pissy’ was an understatement. Alex wanted to challenge anyone who touched Sean even though he knew it was stupid. “It’s our instincts,” he muttered, brushing his thumb over the back of Sean’s hand.

Nathan leant forward, well into Alex’s line of sight since it looked like the man was trying to get nose to nose with Sean. “Marcus is right, you know.

I’ve been called pretty or beautiful more than once—stop growling, Marcus, I meant by you because of course you and I were virgins when we met. The point is, even I agree. Sean has those features that male models would kill for. He could knock everyone dead at a drag show.”

“Nathan!”

“Marcus!” Nathan exclaimed right back. “Alex knows I’m not insulting Sean. I’m saying he’s got most men and women beat in the looks department.” Nathan leaned in even closer for a second before sitting back with a huff. “And why doesn’t he have gold-tipped eyelashes? Or orange ones, whatever? He’s got thick black lashes that are going to make all the ladies envious.”

Alex had traced those lashes with his fingertips, and brushed kisses over them on Sean’s cheeks when he’d slept. Right now he’d give anything just to see them flutter open.

“Alex.”

Just his name, nothing else. He hated it when Marcus did that. A two-syllable demand for his undivided attention. Alex sighed, not bothering to hide his irritation as he looked at Marcus.

Marcus arched one brow but let the show of attitude go, for now at least.

Alex figured he’d pay for it along with being a shitty stupid mate as well soon. Marcus’ other eyebrow rose up to join the first. “Whatever that look means, get it off your face. Unless you did something to Sean that sent him into this…this catatonic state, you’ve no reason to be punished.”

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Alex didn’t blink or bother making an excuse. “I did,” he admitted. “This is my fault, and whatever you want to do to me, I won’t protest it. I promised Sean I’d never harm him…” He stopped and shook his head, his throat tight with emotion.

“And what horrible thing did you do to send Sean off into his head? Shania filled me and Marcus in on this self-preservation instinct of Sean’s.”

Alex managed—just—not to glare at Nathan. The man had sounded mocking at first and it had tweaked Alex’s already frayed nerves. There wasn’t any use in refusing to answer, though. Nathan was every bit as powerful as Marcus even if he was only viewed as the man’s mate.

Turning his gaze back to Sean, Alex explained what had happened earlier, which led to a retelling of his and Sean’s conversation about their suspicions that Joshua had known they were mates. He laid out the information succinctly, then waited for whatever punishment Marcus decided to hand down. It wasn’t Marcus who spoke after a long stretch of silence though.

Nathan leaned over and smacked Alex on the arm, hard enough to bounce him off the opposite armrest. “There,” Nathan sniffed. “Does that make you feel better? Now you’ve been punished—for being a dumbass!”

Alex darted a glance at Marcus, who was looking at Nathan with a sappy grin on his face. He returned his attention to Nathan, because the man might be small, but he packed a mean punch. “I admitted I was a dumbass for sharing the memory with Sean after he told me what it did to him. You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.”

Nathan looked at Marcus. Alex would have sworn the air crackled with the power of their mental link. Both men nodded then looked at him. Nathan’s evil grin was back, and Alex had to tense his muscles to keep from shuddering.

“Well, here are a couple of things you obviously didn’t know. I smacked you and called you a dumbass for thinking Marcus would punish you for sharing a memory with Sean.”

Alex opened his mouth to protest but Nathan pointed at him and narrowed his eyes.

“Sean didn’t try to stop you, did he? He didn’t toss you out of his head. In fact, when your memory ended, he dredged his up and tried to examine it.

Sean wanted to remember, he knew, I think, that there was an important reason he was blocking that particular memory.

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You said yourself it was suspicious. Now why don’t you think about what he did share before he withdrew? Combine it with the rest of what you told us.”

Alex closed his eyes and reviewed Sean’s memory of the day Alex had seen him. Sean had scented something…attractive, although not in a sexual way.

A boy as young as he’d been wouldn’t have known about such things, Alex didn’t think. The tingling sensation, the warmth and feeling of safety and happiness, they rang a familiar bell in his head and his eyes snapped open on the image of that blond curly head turning to look at a sixteen-year-old boy who was looking elsewhere.

The pieces slid together audibly in his mind, each one forming a twisted picture. Alex’s pulse throbbed at his temples as he looked at Nathan. “He saw his mate.”

“Exactly,” Nathan said, a satisfied smile curling his lips. “And I doubt a kid that age would have known what it was he was feeling. He’d have turned to the person he trusted with his questions. The person who didn’t make him feel quite as warm and fuzzy—stop scowling, I don’t know what terms to use to describe the bond between mates when both of them are kids!”

Marcus jostled his legs, nearly tipping Nathan onto the floor. He shot the man an apologetic look and wrapped his arms around Nathan’s waist then pulled him to his chest before facing Alex. “As much as you don’t want to talk about it, you need to. How long after that was it before Joshua assaulted you?”

Alex’s stomach dipped and he had to clear his throat since every bit of moisture had vanished upon being asked the question. He licked his dry lips and tried to track the days between the first event and the night he’d been

raped. “A couple of weeks, maybe. Joshua didn’t…” God, I hate having to talk about this!

Continuing was physically painful; his stomach burned like he’d swallowed battery acid and his head was pounding a discordant rhythm. “He didn’t just find me and do it.

He—I guess he courted me, kind of. Befriended me. I’d just figured out I was gay, and knew that was not going to bode well for me in any pack. I was feeling pretty alone, scared to even talk to any other boys because I was afraid I’d get a hard on and everyone would know.”

Nathan placed his hand on Alex’s arm. Alex looked into those grey flecked green eyes and wanted to hide from the sympathy he saw in them. “That had to have made a horrible

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thing even worse, to have someone trick you into trusting them then betraying that trust in such a violent way.”

Anger crept into Nathan’s expression, tinting his cheeks red and letting off a smoky odour. “I swear I’m going to rip that bastard’s intestines out and strangle him with them. My delicate sensibilities and morals will just have to go fuck themselves. This is one time I can definitely condone violence.”

“Why wouldn’t he remember, though?” Marcus asked, echoing one of the questions lingering on Alex’s tongue.

Nathan rolled his eyes and scowled at Marcus before shaking his head. Alex was glad he wasn’t the one who had asked the question.

“Because,” Nathan drew the word out as he made a rolling motion— come on, figure it out—with his hand.

Marcus grinned at Nathan. “You’re too fun to rile up.” His expression turned serious as he spoke. “When he told Joshua that he’d found his mate

—although he probably didn’t use that word, Joshua figured it out regardless—and explained that the boy he’d seen had made him feel even better than Joshua did, Joshua got jealous. Sean had, by his own admission, worshipped his brother. That had to be a big ego boost to Joshua.”

Alex nodded. “And it probably made it worse that his mate was male.”

“I don’t know about that,” Nathan mused, tapping at his chin. “I really think Joshua would have gone after anyone he saw as competition for his brother’s attention. Gender wasn’t as important. So, to continue our group conjecture, Joshua probably hurt Sean any time he mentioned you or that day. Then he went after you—”

“No.” Alex went over what he knew again. “No, Sean said Joshua began hurting him after their father and brothers turned on Joshua. The rumour was, Joshua had been caught fucking another man. I don’t know how; maybe his family smelt it on him, or maybe he bragged about what he did to me. For all I know, someone could have seen us. He had me bbent over a fence for hours on what was supposedly abandoned property.”

“Alex.”

Oh my fucking—now Nathan was doing that to him, too? “What?”

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“You understand that if someone had seen, and not done a damned thing to help you, that adds another layer to your victimisation.” Nathan gnawed on his bottom lip for a second before releasing it.

“I think that’s what I mean. And no one likes to be called a victim, but that’s because people seem to think victim means weak. It doesn’t. The two

are not synonymous. In fact, I would categorise them as antonyms. Most victims rise above their circumstances, if given the opportunity. And even if they aren’t given the opportunity, they make one.”

“Nathan’s right,” Marcus chimed in. “Zane, Mika, and me—we’ve all been victims. I don’t think any of us, including you, are weak. Do you think I’m weak, Alex?”

The explanation soothed away some of Alex’s embarrassment. He hadn’t thought of any of those men as victims, especially not Marcus. “No, never.

It’s just harder to forgive yourself, I guess.” The other men frowned and Alex hurried to correct himself. “Or to believe there’s nothing to forgive yourself for. That’s what I meant. I blamed myself for being naïve, for not being strong enough to fight off an adult male, then I shoved the whole horrible mess as deep down inside me as I could. I still don’t want to talk about it, but I’m getting to where I don’t blame myself as much. I don’t think it’s possible to just let it all go at once.”

The smile Marcus gave him would have had Alex bemoaning his unrequited love at one time, but now it only made him proud of pleasing his Alpha Anax. “It’s a good start, Alex. Now let’s see what we can do about bringing your mate back around.”

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