Hatchling

“Haruka, have you decided which friends you’re inviting to the wedding?” Masashi asked.

“Oh, sorry! I got the replies to my email, but haven’t got round to doing anything yet,” I answered lazily.

“Oh, come on. Make sure you do answer them. They’ll be going out of their way to come, so make up the list quickly. You’re so untogether, I swear!”

“Yeah, I know. Sorry!”

“Well, I guess being super laid-back and doing everything at your own pace is one of the good things about you.”

“Okaaaay!”

Masashi looked a little incredulous, but he didn’t seem too annoyed. He was used to me being sloppy, and he was generally pretty cheerful and not too hung up on details. He’d been like that ever since we met. He was a little simple, but he had a sunny personality, and since we were both a bit messy, we got along well.

“Oh, and what are you doing about the speeches? I’ve asked my boss and a friend.”

“Oh, right. Um, I was thinking of asking Aki to do that.”

“Aki’s your childhood friend, right? That sounds like a good idea,”

he said.

Just then my smartphone beeped on the sofa where I’d left it. I looked at the screen and saw that a message had come in from a friend from back home: “Hey, Prez, about the next lunch party—

aren’t we celebrating Miho’s promotion? Should we prepare something special?”

Still lying on the floor, I quickly replied, “Sure, I’m on it. I’ve ordered flowers and one of those notebook covers she always said she liked, with her initials on it. It should be ready in time.”

The reply came instantly. “Fantastic. I should have known! You haven’t changed a bit since you were a kid, have you? Masashi’s gonna have it easy when he marries you. You always arrange things so efficiently.”

I was about to reply when another message came in. This time it was from Rika, a friend from film club in college.

“Princess, this is where we’ll be having next week’s celebratory drinks party.”

I replied immediately. “Rika, thank yooouuuuu ♡ ♡ ♡”

“We were all so excited when we heard you were getting married!

After all, you were always our club’s princess!”

“Not at all! I’m sorry you had to contact everyone yourself, though, since I’m not on social media (;o;)”

“No problem, but you should get yourself online. Everyone else is!”

“I signed up once, but didn’t really get the hang of it (*>_<*)”

During this exchange with Rika, messages came in from someone I used to do a part-time job with in college days, a friend from high school, and a colleague from work. I quickly replied to all of them attentively, taking care not to mix up the addresses.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t really like drinks parties. Could you possibly give them my apologies?”

“You whaaaaat? Right on!!!! Send me a pic. Let’s brag about it to Okamoto!”

“I want a picture from university days. I’ve been looking for one, but can’t find anything good (*;▽ ;*) I want to use it in a slide show at the wedding.”

“For the lunch party, as well as the gifts, I’ve also arranged for a surprise cake. I’ll be going early to set everything up, so if anyone wants to come and help, please do!”

“What, really? I had no idea! I’d better send some flowers!”

I’d been so absorbed in replying to all the messages, before I knew it Masashi had already had a shower. He came out of the bathroom drying his hair with a towel and sat down on the sofa.

“Haruka, you’ve still got a bunch of messages you haven’t replied to, haven’t you? You’re hopeless, really. So untogether!”

“I guess . . .”

“You really are! I’m closer to you than anyone, and even I’m saying that!” He started blow-drying his hair.

“I guess you’re right!”

I laughed foolishly, and Masashi couldn’t help breaking into a smile.

Soon after I started at university, I realized that I didn’t have a personality of my own.

When I was a child, I was a straight-A student. I always did what adults told me to, so I was nicknamed Prez. I was good at studying and was often charged with class rep duties, so I never doubted that it was my natural disposition.

After graduating from junior high and going on to senior high, I was the only one from my old school there. During the first class,

when I took my textbook and exercise book out of my desk, a girl with dyed brown hair next to me said, “Wow, what on earth? You wrote your name on the textbook! Oh! And on your exercise book too.”

I’d only followed the instructions on the printouts distributed to us all at the opening ceremony. It never occurred to me that I’d be laughed at for it, so I simply smiled.

Seeing my expression soften, the girl seemed to relax and grew a little friendlier. I noticed that our facial muscles seemed to be moving in response to each other, and I couldn’t help smiling even more broadly.

“Can I see your other books?” she asked, reaching out to take them from my desk. “Wow, look at this kid! She’s written her name on everything! That’s hilarious!”

She held up the books on which I’d carefully written my name so all the others could see them. My expression must have been so sheepish that they interpreted it as permission to make fun of me, and they all burst out laughing.

I thought I could respond better to everyone’s expectations, and before I knew it, a goofy voice came out of my mouth. “Oh, but that’s what the teacher told us to do, isn’t it? I thought everyone would do it!”

Everyone laughed even harder at my inane way of speaking.

“What a goofball! This one’s a total basket case. So funny!”

“What? Hey, I’m not a goofball!”

Where did this way of speaking suddenly come from? I wondered.

When I saw all the girls laughing, I’d suddenly started acting out the

“me” they imagined me to be.

The brown-haired girl seemed to have taken a shine to me.

“You’re a hoot! What’s your name again?” she asked.

“Haruka . . . Takahashi . . .” responding to them in an inane voice, as if we were doing a jam session.

Before the day was out, I had turned into a girl who was a goofball and a bit dumb. The Prez of my junior high school days had gone, and before I knew it, everyone was affectionately calling me Peabrain.

“What the heck, Peabrain, you’re such a goof!”

The weird thing was, even if I did exactly the same things I did when I was Prez, everyone now laughed at me, stroking my head and nudging me affectionately.

“You’ll never get a boyfriend, Peabrain. You’re just too goofy!”

“Whaaat? No way . . .”

The way I spoke changed after I became Peabrain. But I didn’t feel all that different from when I’d been Prez. It wasn’t really me speaking, I was simply reacting automatically in the way everyone seemed to want me to.

I gradually got used to being Peabrain. Peabrain only ever said inane things and was loved by all her classmates.

Finally it was time to take the entrance exam for university, and I ended up going to a university where nobody else from my high school was going.

All my friends said things like “Peabrain, will you be okay without us?” and “We worry about you. You’re such a goofy Peabrain, after all.”

Everyone told me I should join a club at university to make friends, so I followed their advice and joined the Film Appreciation

Club. All we did was watch movies, eat, drink, and make booklets of our reactions to the films. Even Peabrain me could do that much, I thought.

“Hello, everyone! I’m Haruka Takahashi! Are you a fresher too?” I asked one guy who was obviously older, trying to flatter him. Me, a newbie? Don’t be silly! he would say, slapping me on the head, and everyone would laugh. It would be a perfect Peabrain move.

“No, of course not!”

“Are you nuts?”

Just as I’d expected, the laughter spread. It looked like I’d easily be able to pass as Peabrain here, too. Just then a commanding voice rang out.

“How utterly adorable! I just love airheads like her!”

It was a strikingly beautiful older student called Reina. Since she made this declaration, other girls started whispering, “It’s true, she is an airhead” and “So cute!” In a flash, a completely different response from the Peabrain one spread like a chemical reaction.

“And I adore pretty girls like you, Reina!” I said, assessing the atmosphere of the place in an instant and giving Reina a hug.

“There, there,” Reina said, stroking my hair.

One of the guys said teasingly, “Hey, you’re just my type. Give me your address, won’t you?”

I was wondering how I should react to his half-joking tone when Reina said sharply, “Oi, Itaya, stop trying to pick her up. You’d better watch out, Haruka, the guys in this club can’t be trusted. I’ll look out for you.”

“Sure!” I said enthusiastically. I’d merely been adapting myself to the mood, but now everyone started spinning words in response.

“Haruka, that’s not fair!”

“Have you got a boyfriend, Haruka? If not, give me a chance, won’t you?”

“Let’s go out on a date soon!”

Now “I” was being rapidly turned into a new character without even saying anything else.

It became normal for guys in the film club to chat me up and for Reina to beckon me over to her side: “Haruka, come over here to me, I have to get you out of danger!” The same exchange was repeated over and over whatever the occasion, whether a party, a barbecue, or a movie night.

Before I knew it, everyone in the club had started calling me Princess.

It wasn’t as though my appearance had changed from when I was Peabrain, and I knew very well that the guys were actually after beautiful Reina, not me. But little by little, in response to the expectations of this new character, I started changing the way I dressed as Peabrain to outfits more suitable for Princess.

I replaced the sweatshirts with dumb cartoon characters and baggy pants that my goofy Peabrain character had worn, choosing pink or white lacy dresses appropriate for Princess. I had no sense whatsoever of what I wanted to wear, I just wore whatever was dictated by the character my surroundings had created for me.

I decided to take a part-time job at a family restaurant that had cutesy Princess-like uniforms.

“Well then, Takahashi, help all the others take these things to the storeroom, will you?”

“Okay!” I responded enthusiastically.

Clad in my uniform and pure white apron, I joined all the others who were moving a food delivery of vegetables, frozen goods, and other items, and made a beeline for the heaviest item, a barrel of beer.

This is what I always did as Princess. In the film club, whenever we held barbecues, or in other situations involving carrying things, I always took the heaviest item. Then one of the guys would always come over, saying, “I’ll help you with that, Princess,” and add teasingly, “So give me your email address, okay?” And one of the other girls would always say, “Stop that! You’ll get into trouble with Reina if you start hitting on Princess,” and then add, “Come on, Princess, come over here and help me prepare the vegetables.” That was the way it always went, so I’d done the same without thinking.

“Wow, you’re taking that? It’s really heavy!” I heard someone say, and turned to see a guy about my age. “Are you serious? A woman can’t carry that!”

I detected a faint expectation of my character in his words, so I flexed my arm muscles and lifted the barrel.

“You did it! Wow!”

“Not such a big deal,” I told him in a manly kind of voice.

“You’re so cool, Takahashi!”

“You look so girly, I wasn’t expecting that!”

And once again I simply responded to them. “Oh, come on. It’s easy enough!”

“Seriously? You must be a man after all,” a brown-haired guy said.

“Oh, do shut up and get that box, why don’t you?” I said lightly, and carried the barrel into the storeroom.

After that, everyone at work called me by a masculine version of my name, Haruo, and treated me like a tomboy figure.

Characters escalate in their community. As Haruo, I gradually became rougher, not just in the way I spoke but also in the way I behaved, and on workdays when I didn’t have to go to classes, I started changing my way of dressing to a boyish style, with simple shirts and jeans, completely unlike what I wore at college.

“Haruo, you should work in the kitchen. You’ll be better there—the girly uniform really doesn’t suit you!”

“Shut your face!” I said. “Oh, can someone serve that table?”

“What? You’re having steak and rice, in the morning? No way! Are you sure you’re a woman?”

I smiled and lightly kicked him.

“Ouch! Your kicks really hurt, Haruo!” He laughed, and everyone else in the kitchen laughed too. The more I acted like a boy, the more everyone liked me.

That’s when I clearly realized something: I did not have a personality of my own.

I simply spoke in a way that I would be liked within whichever community I happened to be in. I responded to wherever I was in order to adapt to it. I was just like a robot.

I was really popular in the film club and at my workplace. If I ever went back to my childhood home, then I’d be Prez again, or at a gathering of high school friends I’d be Peabrain. However many more characters I developed, the four me’s currently inside me did not contradict one another in any way. After all, I was just a machine that responded to the community in order to be liked.

Whenever I did something that was liked and praised, that part of me would develop, while if anyone said to me “That’s not like you,”

I’d shed that part. As a result, the outline of myself was not mine at all.

But this quality was apparently not just mine. If I paid attention to other people, I often thought that a certain person was simply responding to those around them. We kept responding back and forth in our community, turned ourselves into a character, and started behaving according to that character. I began to think that maybe nobody had such a thing as a real self.

The only difference between a robot and myself was the desire to be liked or to blend in, that’s all. It’s not that I wanted affection, it’s just that it was rational and convenient to blend into and be liked by a community. Considering that humankind had already been living in villages by the Stone Age, it was basically human instinct. If you could blend in and be well-liked by a community, you would be safe and your life would go smoothly. That was my only motive for trying to be liked.

One Sunday, Reina came to the restaurant while I was working.

“Princess! I didn’t know you worked here!”

I dithered over which character’s speech I should use in my reply.

Eventually I managed to match myself to Reina and responded

“Sure!” in a Princess tone of voice.

“The uniform really suits you! If the guys in the club get to hear about it, they’ll start coming here in droves!”

“Oh, no! Please, please don’t tell anyone. I’m not used to the work yet, and I’d be so embarrassed . . .”

Reina nodded understandingly. “It would be a real nuisance if the guys in the club came here in pursuit of you, wouldn’t it? Don’t worry, I definitely won’t say anything to them. I always look after you, after all.”

She ordered some coffee and a tea-flavored dessert. I went behind the counter to make the dessert, and my male coworker asked, “Haruo, who’s that gorgeous girl? A friend of yours?”

“We’re in the same club at college.”

“Seriously? You two are completely different, aren’t you?

Introduce me to her, will you?”

“Give me a break. Go and clean up outside.” I lightly kicked his calf like I usually did, and he went outside, laughing at this typical reaction from “Haruo.”

I suddenly remembered Reina and looked over at her. She wasn’t looking at me. I breathed a sigh of relief and took her coffee and dessert over to her table.

“Thank you,” she said without looking at me.

When she went to pay her bill and I went behind the till, she said,

“Princess, you’re so two-faced.”

I didn’t understand what she meant and stood there vacantly with her change in my hand. She snatched the coins from my palm and left.

After that, Reina ignored me whenever I went to the film club.

Another first-year girl in the club told me that she was telling everyone behind my back that I was two-faced.

The girls in the club reassured me, saying, “She’s just jealous of you, Princess. Before you came along, she was the Madonna of the

club, and now she can’t stand how everyone says you’re cute.” I knew that wasn’t true, though.

I had a different character for each community I belonged to.

Reina felt that this was sneaky of me, and that I was faking versions of myself.

Perhaps I was the only one who changed my character in this way. Seeing Reina being so cold to me, I suddenly felt ashamed.

She hardly ever came to the club anymore, and I was left holding the masks of my split characters.

When I left college and got a proper job, I decided to do my best not to respond to my environment so much.

The company I started working for rented out scaffolding for construction sites. It was a homely work environment, and maybe because its headquarters were located in fun-loving Osaka, the employees often went out drinking together, but I didn’t join them very often. I ate my lunch alone and didn’t talk to anyone unless it had to do with work.

Before I knew it, everyone at work was calling me Mysterious Takahashi. When I asked why, an older female colleague smiled and, patting me on the back, said, “Well, it’s because you’re so cool, an enigmatic lone wolf. It’s a compliment, you know.”

Even when I did nothing, I was still made into a character. I simply couldn’t get my head around this.

Maybe many of my coworkers were indulgent, for Mysterious Takahashi was treated positively as being cool and mysterious.

Whenever my superiors said things like “Do come drinking with us next time, Mysterious Takahashi,” I’d reply, “No, I have other things to do,” inadvertently responding to their expectations. At work I

started wearing blue light-blocking glasses with a cool silver-rimmed design, and I rapidly developed into this new character.

Once a character has been defined, it never disappears, as long as its community remains in existence. Whenever I met up with childhood friends, I was still Prez, and with high school friends I was Peabrain, and I was still Princess to college club friends, while emails from my coworkers at the part-time job I did while in college were addressed to Haruo. Now I’d become Mysterious Takahashi.

My life continued with these five characters progressing alongside one another.

My boyfriend, Masashi, didn’t know about this. He knew me as Peabrain, since we’d been introduced by high school classmates who said, “It’s about time you found someone good, Peabrain.”

We’d gotten along well. Masashi was a cheerful, pleasant young man who didn’t seem to be two-faced at all. But was that really the case? Maybe, like me, he too was juggling multiple characters in his life. Maybe he was known as a gloomy, moralistic old fogy at work, or a little prince in the neighborhood where he grew up. I had never talked to Masashi about the other four me’s. He’d always believed I was a slightly dumb Peabrain who was easy to get along with.

Aki’s reply came in the next morning. “Okay, I’ll do the speech. I guess I’ll have to.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “So can I come over to yours next weekend to thank you properly and discuss everything?” I wrote.

“Prez, stop being so formal with me, will you? I’ll provide cake, so don’t bring anything with you, okay? Come as Peabrain, please.”

“Yay!!! Thank you!!!” I replied, adding some emojis Peabrain-style.

Aki and I had been friends since elementary school. And she was the only one who knew about my five “characters.”

Back when I was still in college, not long after Reina had stopped coming to the film club, my old friend Aki had also come by chance into the very same restaurant where I worked. I thought it would be the end of our friendship. She, too, would curse me for having a dual personality and being two-faced. But when she saw me talking like a guy, all she said was, “Wow, Prez, you’ve changed!”

Our colleges were nearby, and we came from the same neighborhood, so I started going home with her after work more and more often. Then I summoned my courage and broached the subject.

“Hey, Aki. About my work persona . . .”

“Oh, that. Yeah, I was quite taken aback. But it’s hardly surprising that either of us would have changed since elementary school, is it?”

she said, laughing.

“Um, but there’s more,” I said seriously.

“More?”

“That’s not the only one. There are other me’s too.” When I was with Aki, I naturally slipped into the Prez way of speaking.

Aki seemed a bit bewildered, but then she burst out laughing. “Oh, come on, Prez, you’re not exactly Jekyll and Hyde. Aren’t you learning anything at college? It’s just normal for people to develop various personas as they adapt to their surroundings, you know.”

“But I’m probably a bit abnormal. Say what you like, but does everyone have such completely different masks as I do? Is it normal for there to be nothing behind the mask? Doesn’t everyone behave as though there’s a ‘real me’ behind their mask?”

Aki tensed at my seriousness, and for a while she seemed to be thinking.

“Listen, Prez, don’t you think you’re overthinking things? I get the feeling that that seriousness is part of your true nature. But I’m not an expert in psychology, so I don’t really know.”

“So how about checking it out? I’d like you to meet the other me’s.”

“Well, okay . . .”

I took her to a drinking party at the film club. The moment we walked into the izakaya, I called out, “Sorry I’m late! This is my bestest friend, Aki ♡ ” in a voice that was completely different from my usual one, and Aki looked shocked.

“Princess, you’re late! We couldn’t start drinking until you got here, you know!”

“Wow, is that your friend, Princess? She’s gorgeous. Hey, come sit over here!”

I squeezed Aki’s arm and said, “Sure! Come on Aki, let’s go over there.”

I sat next to Aki and clung flirtatiously to her. She was totally bewildered.

Even I didn’t know why I was doing that, but Princess’s speech and behavior had become automatic within me, and I spontaneously responded according to other people’s words and actions.

Afterward I rejected an offer from one of the guys to see us both home, and Aki and I got the last train back together.

“What did you think?” I asked.

“Wow, I was really amazed.”

“As I thought. There’s something weird about me, isn’t there.”

Aki leaned against the handrail in the train, deep in thought for a while. “No . . . I was taken aback, but I also kind of felt that ultimately you’re just doing what humans do.”

“What?” I leaned forward and grabbed her. “Do you really think so?”

“Yeah . . . I was thinking about it all the time as I watched you in the izakaya. It’s pretty extreme, for sure, but if you place the highest priority on making a space feel harmonious, then humans can probably become anything. That’s what I thought seeing you today, Prez.”

“Oh . . .”

“Prez, you’ve always been the sort of kid who’s careful to make the class or whatever go smoothly, haven’t you? Even if you’re called Princess, it doesn’t feel like you’re just trying to be popular and have a good time. It’s like you’re responding to what’s right in front of you.

You’re a bit like Palpo.”

“Palpo?”

“Don’t you know what that is? There’s one outside the station—

one of those conversation robots you see everywhere these days. It just knows some basic greetings and responds to words, so it doesn’t really feel like having a conversation, and it gets a bit boring after a while. It was popular some time ago.”

“Oh, I see.” I think I got the idea. “Yeah, I guess I’m like Palpo.

Maybe I’m a more advanced robot from the future,” I mumbled absently, light-headed from too much sangria.

Aki laughed, hugged my head, and rested it on her shoulder.

“Come on, Prez, you’re drunk, aren’t you? Get some sleep,” she said.

“Okay . . .”

“Who’s talking now? Prez? Or Princess? Or Haruo?”

“I don’t know . . .”

“Really? Even you don’t know?”

“I just respond, that’s all. Whoever the person I’m with thinks I am, everything else follows accordingly. I’m not the one who decides who I am . . .”

I heard Aki suck in her breath.

The train was headed for the neighborhood where Prez had grown up. It was pitch-black outside the windows. The train rocked me pleasantly as I sat with my eyes closed, traveling from the place where Princess spent her time to the place where Prez lived.

That weekend I bought some cherries and went to visit Aki in her condominium. She laughed in exasperation and said, “That’s just like you, Prez. I told you not to bother!”

She put the cherries on the table next to the cake she’d prepared, then brought out some tea. “So, Haruka, what are you going to do when you get married to Masashi? You’ll be bringing together all the people who know Prez and Peabrain and Princess and Haruo and Mysterious Takahashi for your wedding, right? Which of them are you going to be at the ceremony?”

“That’s the thing . . .”

When I was alone with Aki, I spoke like Prez. I sighed, and she looked exasperated.

“If all you had to do was make a speech, you could probably get away with it . . . but what about when the two of you have to go around to all the tables at the reception, lighting candles? Will you be changing character at each table? It’s like a horror movie!”

“That’s why I wanted to make it family only. But Masashi has loads of friends, and he won’t hear of having anything less than a big wedding reception and after-party.”

“Well, it’s already decided, so there’s not much you can do about that.”

“What do normal people do? You’re not as bad as I am, but even you said you change character a bit, didn’t you? What period of your life would you take your ‘me’ to your wedding?”

When Aki was little, she was considered a “mature girl,” but at college everyone thought of her as “a fierce, strong-willed, scary woman,” and in the company where she now worked, she was apparently a “soothing elder-sister type.” Maybe everyone changed character, even if not to the extent I did. So how on earth did they act at their wedding or when posting on social media?

“Either you match the self you are with your partner or the self you are with the biggest of your communities . . . I think most people make that out to be their truest self.”

I sighed. How could people unify themselves so easily?

It was the same when friends in my college club pressured me into using social media. My childhood friends, high school classmates, college club buddies, part-time job friends, and my current workplace colleagues were all looking at the same site, having tracked me down somehow, and I had no idea what to write.

I didn’t even know what to choose for my profile icon. A cute and colorful macaroon icon that Princess would choose would look weird to Haruo’s friends, wouldn’t it? And my friends who knew me as Peabrain would be really puzzled by the deep-sea fish icon that was ideal for Mysterious Takahashi.

When I looked at everyone’s pages, they were full of innocent descriptions of the type of food they cooked or the places they’d been. What character had they chosen to do this? I got cold feet and quickly deleted my account.

“From my point of view, they’re the ones who are crazy,” I muttered suddenly.

Aki forced a smile. “I guess everyone becomes the character they want to be on the internet. If you have some kind of ideal of the sort of person you want to be seen as, I think you can easily be drawn into it—on social media too.”

“Anyway, I’ve decided to ask Masashi. I’m fine with fitting in with him as Peabrain for our wedding, but then someone is bound to say something. It’s better to come clean with him up front rather than be called two-faced, right?”

Aki nodded, looking a bit uneasy. “Yeah, I suppose that would be ideal, but . . .”

“Masashi is simple and a good person, so I think he’ll understand.”

Aki smiled. “Oh, I forgot . . . I got you a wedding present. You both like wine, don’t you? I settled on those sparkling wineglasses you said you wanted.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to put you to all that trouble! But thank you, I’m really happy.”

The one who liked sparkling wine was Peabrain. Haruo preferred beer, and Princess often drank sangria. Prez was usually organizing the parties, so she drank only oolong tea or, at most, one glass of lemon sour. Mysterious Takahashi drank shochu or whiskey on the rocks.

Even though the physical body was the same, the type of alcohol had a different effect depending on the character. I knew Aki had made her choice because I was Peabrain when I was with Masashi.

“Thank you,” I said, accepting her gift.

“Actually,” she said somewhat hesitantly, “I have another gift I want to give you.”

“What, another one? You don’t need to go that far!” I said, showing the hesitation typical of Prez.

“It’s been on my mind for ages, although I couldn’t bring myself to give it to you before now. It didn’t cost me anything, so don’t worry about that,” she said with a smile.

That weekend, I was lazing around in the living room when Masashi came in.

“Oh, come on, loafing around again! If you haven’t got anything to do, how about getting started on our wedding plans? Honestly, you’re hopeless, you really are!” he said. “I know we don’t need to get on with the actual preparations for a while yet, but we were supposed to at least try on dresses and sort out the invitations early on, weren’t we?”

I made up my mind. I went to the bedroom, took a file from the bookshelf, went back to the living room, and sat down at the table.

“First, there is something I would like you to choose, Masashi.”

“What’s that? Did the wedding hall people say something?”

“Look, at this point in time, there are five me’s in existence. I can’t choose which one to be by myself. So I want you to choose which one you want.”

Masashi looked as though he had no idea what I was talking about.

“After giving it some thought, I decided it was maybe easiest to explain using the wedding dress. I chose wedding dresses for each me to help you understand. This floaty dress is for Peabrain. This wedding pantsuit is definitely best suited to Haruo. For Princess, I think it has to be this girly dress with lots of lace, and for Prez this traditional dress. And I think this antique dress would be a good fit for Mysterious Takahashi. So which me do you prefer?”

Masashi had been lying on the sofa, but now he sat up, frowning.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Which Masashi will you be at the wedding, Masashi? There isn’t just one of you either, surely? I thought another approach would be for me to match myself to whichever you you are for the wedding.

Anyway, once we’ve decided which me will be there, that will settle everything else. The design of the wedding invitation, the color of the bouquet, the type of ring, the color of the tablecloth, the shape of the cake, the gift for guests—everything. Once I know which character to be, I’ll be able to visualize everything else. So I want you to decide which me I should be, Masashi. Then I can get on with everything.”

“What’s up with you, Haruka? Seriously, has something happened?”

Masashi didn’t seem to be following, so I did what I had done with Aki and carefully explained each of my five characters from beginning to end.

“But I guess just explaining it isn’t easy to understand. Maybe I should show you. They actually only exist in their various communities, but I’ll make an exception for you, Masashi. ‘ Oi, Masashi. What happened to that beer in the fridge? You drank it, didn’t you? It cost an arm and a leg, that one. You gotta be kidding

me!’ That was Haruo. Did that shock you? The tone of voice and way of speaking is totally different, right? ‘Masashi, darling, have you got some scissors? I can’t find mine, and I want to cut the tag off this super cute dress I bought . . .’ That’s Princess. Aki often mimics Princess, doesn’t she? She seems to be the easiest one to copy.

‘Masashi, did you leave the nail clippers somewhere again? They’re supposed to be kept here. I told you, didn’t I? We’re living together, so do keep it together, okay?’ That’s Prez. You’re a bit lazy about things sometimes, Masashi, so maybe this type would be good for you. ‘I’m reading just now, so can you please refrain from talking to me?’ That’s Mysterious Takahashi. So which character would be the easiest to live with? Any of them is fine by me, so if you can choose one, Masashi, I’ll use our wedding to unify myself into her.”

Masashi had gone pale and was staring at me, so Prez explained further. “Think about it. From now on, we’ll be inviting friends over to our new place more often and getting people together for barbecues, won’t we? It’s not just a matter of simply getting through the wedding. That means I have to unify myself. However natural it is for me to adopt the persona for each particular community, everyone else will feel uncomfortable if there is too much inconsistency in my personality. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“No! Who are you? Haruka doesn’t talk like that!”

Masashi was so worked up that Princess gently soothed him.

“Come, Masashi, are you okay? Calm down, there’s no need to be scared. You can relax now. Haruka is a bit extreme, but really everyone is a bit like that, aren’t they? Oh, how about a nice cup of hot tea? That’ll help you relax, won’t it, Masashi dear?”

I rubbed his back, but he jumped and pushed my hand away.

“Just who are you? You’ve been deceiving me . . . all this time I’ve been deluded. You were never the real you all along!”

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit?” said Mysterious Takahashi. “After all, you have that side to you too, don’t you? There must be different you’s when you’re with your family, or at work, or with me. You yourself can’t say which is the true Masashi, can you?”

Masashi stood up and fled to the corner of the room.

“Stop running away, dammit!” Haruo told him. “I’m showing you all of me now. Don’t try to escape these revelations. Look, nobody else is ever gonna show you so much of themselves, right? Stop covering your ears, you chicken!”

“Shutupshutupshutup!” Masashi yelled, losing his temper. “Don’t say anything else! I feel like I’m going crazy. Stay away from me.

And stop talking!”

He shoved me away and shut himself up in the bedroom. All the characters tried talking to him through the door, but he showed no sign of coming out. I gave up and lay down on the sofa in the living room. I reached out a hand for the bag Peabrain had left lying around.

I hadn’t wanted to use Aki’s wedding gift if I could avoid it, but it turned out that I’d have to after all. I sighed and took a piece of paper out of the bag.

“Here, take this,” Aki had said that day, handing me a résumé on a single sheet of paper.

“What is it?”

“It’s the sixth Haruka. The one I made for you.”

On it was a photo of someone else, not me, and the details of that person’s life and hobbies to date were written up in detail.

“Who is this?”

“A reserve Haruka. Use her if you’re in a fix.”

“A reserve me?”

“Haruka, if you try to unify yourself at your wedding ceremony,”

Aki murmured, her expression serious, “everyone is going to want to see the real you. So far we’ve seen only fake Harukas, so show yourself, they’ll say. But you don’t have a ‘self,’ do you? This new Haruka is for just that sort of time. If you show them this sixth version of you, I think they’ll all be satisfied.”

“I see . . . even Reina from college days might have been convinced by something like this?”

“Probably. From now on, you are often going to find yourself with people from different communities. That’s the sort of time you’ll need it. This is my wedding gift to you. Of course, I also put my heart into choosing the wineglasses.”

“Hmm . . . what sort of person is this Haruka?” I asked Aki, thinking it was written in such detail that it would be quicker to hear it than read through it.

“I made her ugly.”

“Ugly?”

“People have more faith in ugliness.” Aki smiled scornfully, gracefully crossing her legs. “People are more easily taken in by ugly things, not lovely things. That’s reality, they’ll say, that’s the truth!

Then they follow their own imagination and make up a banal story to satisfy themselves, and they feel reassured.”

“But why?”

“Dunno . . . but when you follow beautiful words with nasty ones, pretty much everyone will crow about how you’ve spoken truthfully.

And if you do the opposite, they’ll lament that you’re a hypocrite with your lies. Maybe they find it more reassuring that way. They just can’t relax with the idea of truth being lovely.”

“That’s weird,” I muttered.

Aki stroked my head. “I hope you don’t have to use it, that you can keep it as a reserve self. I prepared it for you as a kind of talisman, just in case. Something to use in an emergency.”

“Thank you, Aki.”

I’d been happy to receive the glasses, but more than anything, I was grateful for Aki’s willingness to put so much effort into understanding me to the best of her ability.

“I’ll let you use my gift at home with Masashi, but how about we have a toast together now too?”

“Sure!”

And so the two of us had clinked our glasses before the résumé.

“Prez, congratulations on your wedding!”

“Thank you. I’ll cherish your gift, Aki. Here’s to the sixth me!”

Aki burst out laughing, and our peals of laughter rang out around the room along with the clink of our glasses.

The next morning, I awoke on the sofa to the sound of Masashi’s footsteps.

“Good morning,” I said.

Looking uncomfortable, he said, “Sorry to have kept the bedroom to myself,” and went into the kitchen, keeping his eyes averted from me.

“Before breakfast, there’s something I want to tell you,” I said.

“Tell me?”

“I’m sorry that I’ve been deceiving you all this time. I want to confess my true self to you.”

His eyes widened.

“To be honest, I’m a hideous woman. I’ve always loathed the world and cursed it, and I’ve spent my whole life covering up that self. And to tell the truth, I’ve always been jealous of you, Masashi.

I’m like a monster, hating everything that’s wholesome.”

Masashi looked stunned. I continued in an even voice with my fictitious confession.

“Ever since I was little, I’ve lied about myself in order to be loved.

Being starved of affection gradually killed the existence of my true self. Whoever I was with, I tried to gain affection by playing a fictitious character. But inside, the child me was always crying.

“Eventually I started to hate the world. I behaved in ways to make me be liked, and at the same time I began to be obsessed with fantasies of killing people who lived happily. Seeing my best friend, Aki, being accepted and loved just as she was, I was so jealous of her that I even hid her indoor shoes at school. Just because I envied her. I hated everyone who was loved and happy. Even though I knew it wasn’t their fault, I couldn’t control my consuming hatred.

“When I met you, Masashi, I knew you were a perfect target for me. You’re so cheerful and easygoing, and everyone loves you. By getting my hands on someone like you, I’d be getting my revenge on the world. But I couldn’t control my feelings of jealousy. Remember that super spicy soup I made? Hatred made me do that. And it was me who hid your ear cleaner and changed the bathroom light for an old one.”

“You . . .”

“It was me who erased your recording of that soccer program too.

I can’t control my hatred of the world. My hands move all on their own accord.”

I didn’t for a moment think he would believe such trite stories.

However simple and easy to deal with he was, surely nobody would accept falsehoods like this. Despite my doubts, though, I went down on my knees to him. I pressed my palms together as though confessing my sins to the priest in church and carried on speaking as the sixth version of myself.

The morning sun shone through the gap in the curtains, extending a straight ray of light over the floor in the dim room. It cut between Masashi and me.

“This dirty, ugly, pathetic, stupid, crazy me is the real me, you know. I’m sure you’re disappointed. I’m sorry I’ve deceived you all this time.”

“Do you still hate me so much even now?” He looked bewildered, but his voice was strangely calm.

“I do. Scary, isn’t it? Horrible. I know I’m awful, but it’s also true that I do love you, Masashi. Creepy, right?”

Masashi flew at me, and for a moment I thought he was attacking me, but no. He hugged me to him.

“This is the real Haruka, isn’t it? I’m so happy you decided to show it all, only to me. Thank you!”

I was surprised to see that he was crying. As he covered me in his hug while I knelt there, the ray of light coming from the window shone on him. It looked like a crack splitting him in two.

As he responded to the sixth version of me, a new Masashi was emerging. I was witnessing the precise moment it was happening.

He was operating his muscles in a way he had never done before: the sides of his mouth pulled out, the corners of his lips rising, his nose straightened, the outer corners of his eyes drooped, and his brow furrowed. Having created this face I’d never seen before, he smiled at me.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer all by yourself until now, Ha-chan.

From now on, you can show everything to me, and I’ll always provide you with unconditional love. I promise I’ll save you!”

“Ha-chan?” I asked blankly.

Masashi covered his face with even more wrinkles as he tried to impress a compassionate smile on me.

“The Ha is from both Haruka and Hannibal Lecter, and adding the diminutive chan makes it cute, right? And instead of Masashi, you can call me Ma, as in Mother. It’s perfect, don’t you think? From now on, I’ll be your Ha-chan’s Ma. Everything is going to be okay.”

Filled with trepidation, I hugged Ma back. I didn’t know what else to do, and that was the only response I could think of.

“Ma!”

“Ha-chan!”

We hugged each other tight. The coercive atmosphere in our closeted space left us no other choice.

“Leave everything about the wedding to me, too. Your true nature is our secret, but little by little you’ll be able to talk to everyone as the real Ha-chan, won’t you? Promise?”

“I guess . . .”

On the table, the pages of the catalog of the new home the two of us would live in following the wedding flipped over in the breeze from the air conditioner. For the rest of our lives we would be living in a

closeted space. From now on, we would be Ha-chan and Ma living in the smallest possible community, a couple.

The easygoing, simple, and cheerful Masashi had already been wiped out of our world. He might still exist somewhere where I’m not, but I would never meet him again.

For some reason, tears streamed down my face as I clung to Ma.

I really didn’t know whether I was playing up my act of responding or mourning the loss of Masashi.

“Ha-chan!”

Noticing my tears, Ma rubbed my back, his face filled with sadness, but also somehow mixed with joy. His hand was giving shape to my outline as he stroked me.

Repressing a scream, Ha-chan closed her eyes in Ma’s arms. The ray of light coming through the curtains was extinguished by a black cloud covering the sky outside.