The case of rebellious Susan; a comedy in three acts

Sir R. It's time this pretty little escapade of yours was ended. People are beginning to talk about you, and you've gone just as far as it's possible to go without running the risk of becoming declasse.

Lady S. Declass^ ? There are plenty of women who are not good, and who are not declasse.

Sir R. Very likely. Women are divided into two classes.

Lady S. Good and bad.

Sir R. Not at all. Those who 'ave lost their reputation, and those who

'ave kept it. I'm determined you shall keep yours.

Lady S. Thank you, my dear Uncle Dick. I've kept my reputation, such as it is, up to now, and I assure you, it's quite safe in my keeping for the future.

1 Sir R. Very likely. But I'm going to make sure of it.

Lady S. [^Provokingly.] Oh, indeed! And how will you do that ?

Sir R. Your husband is here. He's anxious for you to return to him and your home.

Lady S. [^Defiantly.] I've told you, no, no, no.

Sir R. Very well. Then, my dear Sue, as I've seen nothing of you for the last ten months, suppose you come on a little visit to me.

LadyS. When?

ACT II REBELLIOUS SUSAN 77

Sir R. At once. This afternoon, by the four thirty.

Lady S. No. I'll come in two or three weeks.

Sir R. What are you going to do in the meantime?

Lady S. Do ? Nothing.

Sir R. Where are you going ?

Lady S. Going ? Nowhere.

Sir R. You're going to stay here ?

Lady S. Yes—of course.

Sir R. How long ?

Lady S. Just as long as I feel inclined.

Sir R. Very well. I'll come and stay with you.

Lady S. You can't. There's no room in the house.

Sir R. I'll get rooms next door.

Lady S. What for ?

Sir R. Just to be near you.

Lady S. It's ridiculous ! Impossible !

Sir R. Not a bit. My dear girl, make up your mind that, at all costs, you're going to have my company for the next few weeks.

Lady S. Indeed I won't. I won't have you in my house. I'll turn you out.

Sir R. I'll stay on the doorstep. Understand me, my dear Sue, I shall haunt you like your shadow, and there will be no escaping from me.

Now you know what is in store for you, so behave like a good girl and give me a hearty welcome.

Lady S. Indeed, I won't! I'll run away from 78 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act ii

you. \Getting into a temper, walking tip mid down with great indignation, uttering little cries.] Really ! Of all the absurd—Well!—

What next!—I never— Oh ! [Turns round and faces him, very resolutely.] Now, Uncle Dick, I love you very much, but don't drive me to kick over the traces.

Sir R. My dear Sue, I'm going to take very good care that you don't.

Lady S. Really, of all the unwarrantable— [Bursts into a fit of angry laughter.] Once for all understand me. Uncle Dick, I'm my own mistress, and I'm going to do just as I please.

Sir R. No, my dear Sue, you are going to do just what is suitable for my niece, and for an English lady with her own reputation and the reputation of her family to consider.

Lady S. No, I'm not. I'll—I'll—[Bursts into a fit of angry tears.] I'll do something that will make you horribly ashamed of me. I will, Uncle Dick. I'll [Steps up to him, is about to snap her

fingers at him.]

Sir R. Ah ! [Catches her hand and puts it down.] My dear Sue, you may snap your fingers at your husband, but you must not snap your fingers at me !

Lady S. [Struggling to get her hatid.] I hate you. Uncle Dick ! I hate you !

[Stamping her foot at him.

Sir R. [Complacently.] Very well, my dear Sue. Hate me as much as you please, but understand,

ACT II REBELLIOUS SUSAN 79

there are the three proverbial courses open to you, and one of those three proverbial courses you'll take, and no other. Firstly, you can return to your home with your husband

Lady S. \_Defiantly.'\ No.

Sir R. Or, secondly, you can stay here in my very delightful and constant company.

Lady S. No.

Sir R. Or, thirdly, you can return to Harley Street with me, and I'll give you a comfortable home as long as you please. Which of these three courses will you take ?

Lady S. Neither ! Neither ! Neither !

Efiter Harabin at door.

Har. \_Coming in.] I say, Kato—[Sees Lady Susan.] I beg your pardon.

[Beats a hasty retreat, shuts the door after him.

Sir R. [In an alarmed totie to Lady Susan.] For heaven's sake. Sue, don't be a fool !

Lady S. [Frightened?\ What do you mean ?

Sir R. I'm trying to save you. Take care that Jim [Stops ?

Lady S. [Still more frightened.] Jim doesn't know?

Sir R. Not at present. But take care. One false step and you're lost.

Lady S. Lost ? What do you mean ? What do you know ?

Sir R. [ Very so/emnfy.] The sermon was a very long one !

Lady S. [In an agony of fright.'] Uncle Dick, I've done nothing wrong.

You believe me, don't you ? There wasn't even so much as an innocent flirtation. There wasn't, indeed! You believe me, don't you ?

[ Very much agitated.

Sir R. Yes, I believe you, but—[ Very mysteriously] appearances!

Lady S. \In an agony of fright.] Appearances? Appearances ? What appearances ?

Sir R. [Very solemnly, very mysteriously.] That last Sunday evening at Cairo !

Lady S. [Frightened?^ E—h ?

Sir R. [ Very decidedly?] Which of the three courses will you take ?

Lady S. [In a quiet, humble voice.] I'll go back to Harley Street with you.

Curtain.

Fifteen months pass between Acts 2 and 3.

ACT III.

Scene. At Sir Richard Kato's at Harley Street. Very snug bachelor's apartments, handsomely furnished. Door right. Door left. Fireplace at back. Window in corner up left. A winter evening. Lamps lighted.

Large fire burning. Discover Kirby showing in Inez left, in handsojue ivinter dress and fur cloak.

Kirby. I'll tell Sir Richard you are here, ma'am.

\Exit left.

As Kirby is going out., Lady Susan etiters right.

Lady S. Dearest, I heard your voice. {Kisses her.

Inez. I've been out all day. When I got home I found a note from Sir Richard asking me to come round.

Lady S. You're to take me out to dinner this evening.

Inez. Oh! Then Sir Richard has a family party ?

Lady S. Yes, my husband is coming. So of course I must go.

Inez. Why must you go?

Lady S. Why should I stay ?

Inez. Why shouldn't you? Is there any particular reason that you shouldn't meet your husband ?

82 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

Lady S. [^Considering the matter in an indifferent tone.] N-o. But, on the other hand, is there any particular reason that I should ?

Inez. You don't hate him ?

Lady S. [Indifferently.] N-o.

Inez. You love him? [Lady Susan shakes her head.] Just a little bit ?

Lady S. Not a tiny little bit.

Inez. .You-don't dislike him?

Lady S. [Same careless indifferent tone.] No. Feather the reverse.

The longer Jim and I are parted the more I find a mild sort of liking for him stealing over me.

Inez. Why won't you meet him and talk things over ? He would give guarantees for the future.

Lady S. Really I don't wish to demand anything so unreasonable.

Inez. Unreasonable?

Lady S. Considering what the creatures are, isn't it rather unreasonable of us to demand faithfulness from men ?

Inez. [After a little pause, with considerable feeling^ I know one man who was faithful.

Lady S. [Sighs?\ Well, perhaps there is one in a million. Yes, Inez, I do believe there is one in a million. But no woman has ever married him !

Enter Sir Richard.

Sir R. How d'ye do ?

[To Inez, shaking hands cordially.

ACT in REBELLIOUS SUSAN 83

Lady S. She has done her duty, Uncle Dick.

Sir R. What duty ?

Lady S. Begged me to stay and dine with my husband.

Sir R. Oh !

Lady S. And as that is impossible, she will now do the further duty of taking me to dine at the Bristol, and to the Lyceum afterwards.

Etiter KiRBY left, with card, which he bri?igs to Sir Richard.

Lady S. Come, Inez, I'll dress and come back with you. [^Takifig Inez of, right.

Sir R. [To Kirby.] Show Mr. Jacomb up.

[Exit Kirby, left.

Lady S. [Shows interest, stops at door, comes back.'\ Jacomb ? Isn't that the man—who

Sir R. Yes, that's the man who—You'd better stay.

Lady S. It's no business of mine. Inez, this is some man who has met that Mr. Lucien Edensor in New Zealand, and Enter Kirby, left, announcing Mr. Jacomb. Enter Mr. Jacomb, left.

[Exit Kirby. Lady S. Very well. Uncle Dick. As you seem to wish it, I will stay.

84 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

Jacomb. [a genial^ rosy old fellozv, about sixty.'] Sir Richard Kato?

[Sir Richard bows.] I'm glad to meet you. \_Shakitig hands.] As I wrote I have a message for you from Mr. Lucien Edensor, and also one for Lady Susan Harabin.

Lady S. \_Startled, a little agitated.] For me? impossible ! Jacomb.

And one for Mrs. Quesnel. Inez. For me ?

Sir R. [Introducing.] Mr. Jacomb. Mrs. Quesnel. Lady Susan Harabin.

[They bow.

Lady S. [Agitated.] I'm quite sure you can have no message for me.

[Seeing that Sir Richard is watching her. To Sir Richard.] What message can he have for me ?

Sir R. Let's hear. [Motions her to a seat. She sits down so that her face is hidden frofn Sir Richard, Inez, and Jacomb, but quite in full view of azidience.]

Sir R. [Alotioning Inez to a chair. Standi?tg so that he can iust watch Lady Susan's face. She turns away from hitn.] Now we are all attention. [Moves a little forward so that he can again see Lady Susan's face. She again turns a little further away from him. During following scene he watches her very closely, constantly edging to get her face in view.]

Jacomb. A year ago last September I sailed for New Zealand with my brother Frank and his wife and daughter, his only daughter. Frank I must tell

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 85

you is the head of Jacomb, Perrin and Co. You may know the firm ?

Sir R. New Zealand shippers, a very first-rate firm.

Lady S. But what has all this to do with me ?

Sir R. Let's hear.

Jacomb. Well, on board there was a young fellow, Mr. Lucien Edensor. I noticed that he seemed very home-sick, poor fellow.

[Seeing that Sir Richard is watching her. Lady Susan pretends to be bored, gazes at ceiling, yawns, etc.

Lady S. \_Assumed indifference.^ Did he ?

Jacomb. Yes, wouldn't eat, wouldn't talk, wouldn't play poker, wouldn't make chums, wouldn't do anything. Well, one night, over a cigar and a glass of whiskey, I drew him out, and of course it was all about a woman, poor fellow.

Sir R. All about a woman ! Poor fellow !

Lady S. All about a woman ! Poor fellow !

[ Yawns, looks at ceiling.

Jacomb. His heart was broken, life was a hopeless blank, and he'd a great mind to end it there and then

Lady S. Indeed !

Jacomb. Well, I took him into Frank's private cabin, and Mrs. Jacomb and Annie seemed to take a great fancy to him.

LAdy S. Did they ?

Jacomb. And to make a long story short, the 86 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act iii

next day, just for the sake of whiling away the time on board ship, I made a sporting bet of fifty pounds with my brother Frank that there would be a match between his daughter Annie and young Edensor.

Lady S. Indeed ! [Same tone.'\ Did you win ?

Jacomb. You shall hear. My wife and I set to work, and from morning till night we did nothing

but lay our heads together to bring it off. You

^ wouldn't believe how interesting it was to watch them.

Lady S. It must have been. What was the result ?

Jacomb. He held out. He couldn't forget this other woman. [Lady Susan hides her face from those on sta^e, shows great delight.'\ Yes, he held out, for over three weeks. [Lady Susan's face changes!] I thought I should lose my fifty pounds.

[Sir Richard is most keeftly watching Lady Susan all the time Inez. And at the end of the three weeks ?

Jacomb. He began to thaw. My fifty pounds was safe.

Lady S. You seem to have been alarmed for your fifty pounds.

\Rather pettishly.

Jacomb. It wasn't the money. I couldn't bear to be beaten. I wouldn't have lost that bet for a thousand pounds. I was determined he should marry her.

Lady S. And—did he ?

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 87

Jacomb. \Fumbles in his overcoat pocket, brings out three little parcels tied round with white satin ribbon, looks at the addresses.^ I promised him I'd deliver these in person.

\Offering one to Lady Susan. Lady S. For me ? What is it ? Jacomb.

Open it.

[Lady Susan takes parcel, opens it, pulls out a letter and the ring she had given him in Act II., shows great pain. Meantime Jacomb has

given the other tzvo parcels to Inez atid Sir Richard respectively ; they have taken them and opened them, finding in them tiny pieces of wedding-cake. Inez. Wedding-cake ! Why should Mr. Edensor send wedding-cake to me ? Lady S. Or to me ?

\Takes Lucien's rijig off her finger, puts it in the box, wraps letter round it, goes up to fire-place. Sir R. [Nibbling^ Very good wedding-cake it is, too. Won't you try it, Sue ?

Lady S. You know I never eat sweets.

\Throws box and all into the fire. Inez. {Putting hers in pocket.'] I'll sleep with mine under my pillow.

Sir R. And so they married and lived happy ever afterwards. [Putting his parcel on table at back.] Why didn't Lucien write and tell me ?

G

88 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

Jacomh. He said you had chaffed him so much about tlie other one, and he didn't like you to know that he'd changed his mind so soon.

Lady S. So soon ! But he was three weeks. He must have been genuinely attached to the other woman to have held out for so long as three weeks. What is your niece like ?

Jacomb. I'd forgotten. I've a photograph of them taken together.

\Pulllng photoi:;raph ovt of his Iweast

pocket.'] There they are

\_S/iozvi}tg'iiiK Richard the photograph.

Sir R. \_Looking.'] He looks confoundedly happy, the rascal!

Jacomb. Never was a happier couple in this world !

Lady S. Will you allow me ? [Sir R. gives her^ the photograph. She takes //.] Is your niece fair or dark ?

Jacomb. Rather fair, Lady Susan, and she's a sweet-tempered little body.

Lady S. {^Looking at photograph^ H'm, so she seems. Such women make the best wives. And Mr. Edensor held out for three weeks against those attractions. How could he? {Giving back the photograph?^ Thank you. Very interesting.

Jacomb. [Takingphotograph.] Well, I've delivered my message. Sir Richard.

Sir R. [Rings beiL] Thank you, Mr. Jacomb. I'll write Lucien and tell him I've received it safely.

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 89

Jacomb. \_Shakiug hands.^ Delighted to have made your acquaintance. Good day, Mrs. Quesnel. Good day, Lady Susan.

[Lady Susan and Inez bow.

KiRBY appears at door.

Sir R. Kirby, remind me to send half-a-dozen of that old Madeira to Mr. Edensor in New Zealand. The door.

Jacomb. [^Going off.'\ You can't believe what trouble I had to make him understand he was in love with her. But I landed him ! I landed him ! And I won my fifty pounds !

[Exit lefi, folloived by Kirby. Lady S. I must go and dress, Liez. Inez.

I'll come with you, dearest. Lady S. {Pettishly?)^ No, go and dress at home, and come back for me, and we'll dine at the Cafe Royal, shall we ? Inez. I don't mind.

Lady S. Yes, and we'll go to something merry and rakish, not to a tragedy. I hate tragedies.

\_Exit right. [Sir Richard opens the door for her. He doses the door after her, stands perplexed. Inez. What's puzzling you ?

Sir R. Mrs. Quesnel, what was the exact nature of Sue's acquaintance with Lucien ?

G 2

90 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

Inez. What does it matter ? You needn't trouble about Sue. We women know the value of appearances. We are awful cowards, and have terrible Meanings towards respectability. Sue won't shatter Mr.

Harabin's family gods on his family hearth, or burst up Mr. Harabin's family boiler with any new-fangled explosive. And so long as Mr.

Harabin's family boiler remains intact, why should you meddle with Sue ? I must go and dress. My cloak, please.

Sir R. \Helping her on -with cloak.'\ It's a brutal night. I wish you were going to stay and dine with us. How well you look in furs !

[Sir Richard sighs.

Inez. Why do you sigh ?

Sir R. Alas! My family gods! My family hearth ! My family boiler !

Inez. What of it ?

Sir R. There's no one to tend it!

\Pointijig to his fireside.

Inez. And no one to burst it up.

Sir R. It wouldn't burst up if it were in the right person's care.

Inez. \MischievousIy^ Ah, but who would be the right person ?

Sir R. Yourself, for instance.

Inez. I wouldn't play tricks with the safety-valve.

\Going.

Sir R. \Taking her hand.'] Stay. Would you ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 91

really undertake the charge—of—\Pointing to hearth?^ —my family gods and family boiler ?

Inez. That depends. First of all I should like to know a little about the previous engineers. You are terribly concerned about Sue. How about yourself?

Sir R. Won't you trust me ?

Inez. No, I won't. You're a sensible man. I'm a sensible woman. I don't expect you to have lived till—how old are you ?

Sir R. Say forty-five—it's a few years more, but say forty-five.

Inez. Till forty-five without having loved. But I should like to know Sir R. What ?

Inez. Well, some particulars.

Sir R. [ Walks about a little perplexed?^ You don't want to know everything ?

Inez. No, not everything. But a good deal.

Sir R. If I tell you the leading outlines quite truthfully, will you tell me the leading outlines quite truthfully ?

Inez. Yes. How many times have you really loved ?

Sir R. Only once, and that is at the present moment. \Looking at her, Inez. Good-bye. I wanted to know the truth.

Sir R. Don't go. I'll tell you—the truth.

Inez. Honour ? I really mean to be quite truthful with you.

92 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act in

Sir R. Yes, but I hope your case won't—won't Inez. Won't be as bad as yours? Oh, no, it won't. Rest assured of that. No woman's case ever is as bad as a man's. Now go on.

Sir R. I've thought myself in love scores of times, but I've only really loved once, and that was —\Longish pause with great feeling.'\ I won't tell you. It's too sacred. I did love that woman with all my heart and soul. And she loved me. \_Fause.

Inez. And those other scores of cases when you thought you were in love ?

Sir R. Oh, they don't count.

Inez. But I should like to get some—some general impression.

Sir R. What does it matter ? There was a light girl Inez. And a dark girl ? Come, the whole catalogue.

Sir R. [J?att/es away, half seriously, half jestingly^ A light girl, a dark girl, a red-haired girl; a tall girl, a short girl; a merry girl, a sad girl; a lean girl, a fat girl; a girl in mauve, a girl in white, a girl in green; a blonde, a brunette; a girl with >eyes as blue as heaven, and a girl with eyes as black as jet j a quaker girl, a danseuse; a pale girl, a sallow girl, a rosy-cheeked girl; a peer's daughter, a miUiner; a

Scotch girl, an Irish girl, an Italian girl; and—some others. You can't say I haven't made a clean breast of it.

Inez. And you have thought yourself in love ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 93

with all these ? What does remain of your heart ?

Sir R. All that doesn't belong to that one woman whom I did really love.

Inez. Ah!

Sir R. Now it's your turn.

Inez. Suppose I follow your example and lump them as you've done, and say that in vagrant hours I've had vagrant fancies for a light man, a dark man, a red-haired man ; a tall man, a short man ; a merry man, a sad man; a man in a blouse, a man in knickerbockers, a man in a kilt; a hunter in pink, and a bicyclist; a Scotchman, an Irishman, and— I won't say an Italian, but just to fill out the list I'll throw you in a couple of Spaniards, a Hindoo prince, and a young Japanese. Suppose I were to own up to all these ?

Sir R. But, good heaven, you don't ?

Inez. No. But if I did ?

Sir R. I should ask for further details.

Inez. If I asked you for further details ?

Sir R. I should decline to give them.

Inez. And let me fill them in according to my wildest imaginations—

let me guess how much of that spacious heart of yours was given to this stray companion, and how much to that stray companion. Ah, no, no, no, no! Let's draw a veil.

Sir R. But you haven't told me anything.

Inez. I will. Sincerely I have loved once. And 94 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

I should like to remain constant, if constancy were not such a dream.

Sir R. Is constancy a dream ? Inez. What else is it ? You have loved once, and yet with her consecrated image in your heart's holy of holies, you have opened its outer courts to a rabble of petticoats ; broken the bread and drunk the wine with sluts; tossed off life's sacrament with ajiy strange priestess that offered it—look at the remains of the feast! Oh, no, no, no, my dear friend ! if constancy isn't a dream, if faithfulness isn't a shadow, where are they to be found ?

Sir R. Not in my heart. Yet I have loved once. Thank God for it!

Inez. And I have loved once. Thank God for it! [A long pause. They look at each other seriously, then smile, and theti gradually laugh in each other's face.

Sir R. To come back to

Inez. To Harley Street ?

Sir R. And the previous question. What do you say ?

Inez. I'll think it over. [Suddenly.'] Dear me! I've stayed here gossiping with you, and now if I don't make haste I shall be too late to get Sue away before her husband comes. My cloak ! Quick !

Sir R. [Helping her on with it.] You do look well in furs.

Inez. [Fastening her cloak.] Shall I tell you a secret ? All women do.

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 95

[S/ie runs off. Sir Richard stands looking after her, blows a kiss after her, sighs, closes door, goes icp to windozv, looks outside, draws curtain, takes out his watch, changes coat for smoking jacket, lights pipe, sits down at fire, sighs, looks at the fre, looks at the door where Inez has gone off, bloivs another kiss after her, pokes tJie fire.

E?tter Fergusson Pybus {shown in by Kirby) very pale and bilious; with a look of settled gloom on his face; a large black patch over one eye ; carelessly and seedily dressed. \Exit Kirby.

Sir R. Good heaven, Mr. Pybus! what's the matter ?

Pybus. Haven't you heard ? The Boadicean Society —my wife has got all the telegraph girls and shop girls in Clapham out on strike.

Sir R. Yes, so I see in the paper. Well ?

Pybus. I thought perhaps you might sympathise with me.

Sir R. \Cordially?\ I do. \Shakes his hand.^ What's the matter with your eye ? Not—not domestic, I trust ?

Pybus. No. Mr. Cupples, our butcher [Fiteously.^ —I'm in a state of extreme nervous prostration. Cupples

Sir R. Yes.

96 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

Pybus. Elaine persuaded Mrs. Cupples to join her Boadicean Society. Cupples had been in the habit of spending his evenings at the King's Head. Last week the Boadicean Society went round to the King's Head, and sung temperance songs at Cupples, and then escorted him home. The next morning Cupples came round to the Nest and demanded an interview with me. I declined to see him, but he stayed outside, and as soon as I appeared, without waiting for me to disclaim all responsibility for my wife's actions, he took advantage of my state of nervous prostration, and

Sir R. Poor fellow ! Poor fellow !

[Fafs Pybus's shoulder sympathisingly.

Pybus. What would you advise me to do ?

Sir R. With regard to Cupples ? Do you owe him anything ?

Pybus. There is a little bill.

Sir R. What sort of a man is he ?

Pybus. He is a coarse powerful man, with a copious supply of very abusive epithets.

Sir R. I should pay him his little bill. Then I should utterly refuse to have anything more to do with him. I should cut him dead.

Pybus. Ye—es. Perhaps that would be best. And Elaine ?

Sir R. Where is she ?

Pybus. I left her at the Nest this morning, addressing the post office girls from my bedroom window, and urging them to make an example of the

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 97

Clapham postmaster. Sir Richard, you might have warned me of the nature of Elaine's temper.

Sir R. Ah ! Didn't I mention something about tempers ?

Pybus. At the time I became engaged to her my prospects were most brilliant. If she had given me the least afflatus I feel sure I should have stamped myself on the age in some way.

Sir R. I'm sure you would !

Pybus. But so far is she from giving me any afflatus, she will not even give me a light and easily assimilated course of diet. I cannot nourish my peculiar gifts on tinned mutton of the cheapest brands, and the more stringy portions of an underdone ham.

Sir R. Ah ! Didn't I mention something about cooking lessons ?

Enter Kirby left, iviih evenitigpaper.

KiRBY. I beg pardon, Sir Richard, I thought you might like to see

{Givingpaper.

Sir R. What ?

KiRBY. [Pointing to article in paper.^ The Clapham post office has been completely wrecked by the telegraph girls on strike.

[Exit Kirby. Pybus groans and turns round in his chair.

Sir R. [Reading?^ "Progress of the strike. The Clapham postmaster put to flight, takes refuge in a coal cellar. Destruction of telegraphic communication with Clapham."

98 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

Pyrus. \^Looks uppiteouslyl\ Am I liable?

Sir R. Somebody will have to pay the piper.

And as your wife called the tune

[Pybus groans.

Re-enter Kirby left.

KiRBY. Sir Richard, Mrs. Pybus has come in [Pybus jumps up\ and says she must see you at once.

Pybus. Go and remonstrate with her, Sir Richard, and ask her—

[Elaine enters, Pybus sees her, has a furious outburst?\—ask her what the devil will be the end of all this damned silly behaviour !

\Exit Kirby.

Elaine. \Looks Pybus up and down with the utmost contempt^ The old weapons ! Abuse and brute force ! No other argument!

Pybus. [Rather more mildly.'] So it is—a damned silly [Growls the end of the sentence under his breath to himself^

[Elaine, merciless, contemptuous, looks at him. He meekly subsides into his chair.

Elaine. [Turns to Sir Richard.] When today's revolution is complete it will no longer be safe for men to swear at their wives.

Sir R. I shall be sorry to note the disappearance of another picturesque old custom.

Elaine. [Severely^ Please do not trifle. You have doubtless followed the recent course of events in Clapham

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 99

Sir R. Yes. You seem to have been using a great deal of brute force with that poor devil of a postmaster.

Elaine. It was the only argument he could understand. I have called to make a formal demand for the remainder of my fortune.

[Pybus_/>/;///^ ?//.] I have immediate use for it.

Sir R. What use, may I ask ?

Elaine. To accelerate the progress of the new epoch.

Pybus. [Profesfing.] Sir Richard Elaine. [J^usf glances at Pybus, the^i turns her back contemptuously on him.'\ We had perhaps better discuss this matter apart from Mr.

Pybus, as it is no concern of his.

Pybus. \_Appeals.'] Sir Richard

Sir R. Tsch ! tsch ! tsch ! We won't discuss it at all. Rest assured I shall not hand over your fortune for any such nonsense.

Elaine. Nonsense ! He calls our new epoch nonsense !

Pybus. \_Venturing.'] So it is ! Damned silly, idiotic. [Elaine looks fiercely at him. He 7nutters and subsides.

Elaine. \^To Sir Richard.] You will find that we are in earnest.

Sir R. About what ?

Elaine. About re-organising society.

Sir R. I don't quite follow—how will wrecking Clapham post office re-organise society ?

100 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

Er.AiNE. We must make a start somewhere

Sir R. Begin at home, in your own lives. There's no other way of re-organising society. Go back to the Nest, and give Mr. Pybus a nice comfortable dinner.

Elaine. No man shall receive dinner from me while the present inequalities between the sexes remain unredressed.

Sir R. \To Pybus.] We shall all starve.

Elaine. Please be serious. Do you deny that Woman has been most shamefully treated by Man ?

Sir R. It isn't Man that's ungallant to Woman. It's Nature that is so ungallant and so unkind to your sex.

Elaine. We will correct Nature.

Sir R. By changing your sex? What is it you ladies want ? You are evidently dissatisfied with being women. You cannot wish to be anything so brutal and disgusting as a man. And unfortunately there is no neuter sex in the human species. What do you want ?

Elaine. We want freedom to develop our real selves.

Sir R. Hum—sounds like a deadly dull, unwholesome process. Still, for my part, you are quite welcome. But if that is your ideal, why did you marry Mr. Pybus ? I don't see that he is necessary.

Elaine. Mr. Pybus is not necessary. [Pybus ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN loi

jumps up protest!ugly.^ There is an immense future for Woman Sir R. \l!iterruptiiig?^ At her own fireside. There is an immense future for women as wives and mothers, and a very Umited future for them in any other capacity. While you ladies without passions —or with distorted and defeated passions—are raving and trumpeting all over the country, that wise, grim, old grandmother of us all, Dame Nature, is simply laughing up her sleeve and snapping her fingers at you and your new epochs and new movements. Go home ! Be sure that old Dame Nature will choose her own darlings to carry on her own schemes. Go home ! Go home ! Nature's darling woman is a stay-athome woman, a woman who wants to be a good wife and a good mother, and cares very little for anything else. [Elaine is about to speak. Sir Richard silences her with a gesture.] Go home ! go home, and don't worry the world any longer about this tiresome sexual

business, for, take my word, it was settled once for all in the Garden of Eden, and there's no more to be said about it. Go home ! Go home ! Go home !

Elaine. [I^urious.] Sir Richard, you are grossly indelicate !

Sir R. [Blandly.] I am. So's Nature. [Cheerfully.] Now I must go and dress for dinner.

Re-enter Kirby with another paper in his hand. Kirby. Beg pardon. Sir Richard. Latest edition.

102 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act in

I see there's a warrant issued for the apprehension

\Indicating Elaine. Elaine shoivs great consternation.

Elaine. Not for me ?

KiRBY. Yes, ma'am. \Exit.

Pybus. There, you see. I thought your Boadicean Society Elaine. Silence. This is my affliir. \To Sir Richard.] Do you think they will send me—away ?

Sir R. \Paper in /land.] It looks uncommonly like it. [Pybus begins to look pleased.

Elaine. How long—do you suppose ?

Sir R. The ringleaders at Birmingham got eighteen months.

Elaine. [In a fright.'] Eighteen months !

Sir R. Of course I shall defend you, and I shall do my best to get you off lightly. But you must take great care in the meantime, and, above all, no public speaking.

Pybus. And she's such a good public speaker.

Elaine. I cannot sacrifice my principles, nor will I be muzzled.

Sir R. [Angry.\ Then, frankly, I won't defend you.

Elaine. [After a pause, has a great inspiration.] I will defend myself!

Sir R. [Horrified.'] Defend yourself! Don't talk such nonsense. You'll get five years.

Elaine. The longer the better. Our cause

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 103

demands a martyr. I will surrender to-night. Please ring the bell.

[Pybus rijtgs the dell with great alacrity.

Sir R. You silly woman ! Do you know what you are doing ?

Pybus. Sir Richard, do please let her know what is best for herself.

Elaine. If I defend myself I shall be allowed to speak ?

Sir R. [^Sarcastically.'\ Oh, yes !

KiRBY appears, door left.

Elaine. [To Kirby.] A hansom at once, please. I have a message for this age!

[Exit proudly in a gloiv of inartyrdom, followed by Kirby.

Sir R. [Having watched her off.^ Good heaven ! How is it that women never will understand the Woman question? [Turns to Pybus.] What do you intend to do ?

Pybus. I shall now return to the Nest. It is not naturally a noisy spot, nor are the inhabitants of Clapham an unruly class, except when they are incited by seditious persons. I may now perhaps be able to stamp myself upon the age.

Sir R. I dare say.

Pybus. [Going off at door, turns.']—Sir Richard —[ Very nervously.] in view of a period of quietude at the Nest, I really think it advisable for my wife to conduct her defence in person—[Looking very imploringly at Sir Richard.] I do, indeed. [Con

H

104 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act hi

timies to look very imploringly at Sir Richard. Sir ^\CYi.k^Y> at length cordially grasps his hand.\ Thank you. Thank you.

\Exit delighted, left, as Lady Susan in handsome evening dress and cloak re-enters by the other door.

Sir R. \_Looking at her, takes her handsP\ You look very handsome, Sue. Hillo ! then you've found my ring !

Lady S. Yes, it turned up the other day.

Sir R. Where?

Lady S. \^A little confiisedJ] Oh, I was turning over some old rubbish, and there it was.

Sir R. l^Looks at her keenly, her eyes drop, and she goes to the window, draivs aside the ciirtaift, discovers a thick fall of S710W

outside.^ What a night ! Why do you insist on going out to dine ?

Lady S. Why do you insist on asking people to dinner whom I cannot possibly meet ?

Enter Kirby, shotving in Harabin. Kirby announces Mr. Harabin. Exit Kirby.

• Lady S. [ Very indignaiitly^ Uncle Dick ! Har. I beg pardon. I see there's a mistake.

\_Going back to door left.

Sir R. {Stopping Lady Susan at door right, calls across to Harabin.] Harabin, one moment. It's my fault. Let me frankly apologise to both of you.

Getting Lady Susan doivn stage, driving them ACT in REBELLIOUS SUSAN 105

nearer to each other.^ First of all let us own there has been a mistake. And now the mistake is made let us make the best of it. \To Harabin.] Lady Susan is dining out with Mrs. Quesnel, but as Mrs, Quesnel has not arrived, naturally Lady Susan is obliged to wait.

\Getting them nearer to each other all the time. To Lady Susan.] Mr.

Harabin is dining with me. He has come a little too early, but I am sure you wouldn't wish me to send him out on such a night as this.

[^Drawing her closer to Harabin.] Therefore he is obliged to wait.

And so as you are both here don't you think you could manage—I won't say to entertain each other—but to endure each other's company for a few minutes ? And if there is any little natural disinclination to make each other's acquaintance, let me give you a formal introduction. [To Lady Susan.] Mr. Harabin, a gentleman whose profound attachment and admiration for you has been steadily growing for the last two years. [To Harabin.] Lady Susan Harabin, who I'm sure in her heart has no violent dislike for you.

[Suddenly.'] I must go and dress for dinner.

[Bolts off very hurriedly., ^^ght, leaving them together. The tivo stand looking at each other iti an embarrassed way for some moments.

Then Lady Susan sits down, takes up an illustrated paper. Pause.

Harabin sits doivn. Har. It's extremely cold.

I06 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act in

Lady S. Extremely.

Har. There's every indication of a very hfeav)' snowfall.

Lady S. Indeed. \^Longish pause.

Har. I have never seen you looking so remarkably well.

Lady S. Indeed.

Har. Really beautiful. I hope you don't think me rude in making remarks on your personal appearance. ' Lady S. [/« an hidifferent tone.'\ No.

Har. [ With great politeness^ Wouldn't it be advisable to take off that heavy cloak while you remain in this hot room ?

[Lady Susan rises and slips it off.

Har. {^Rushing towards her.'] Allow me. [By the time he gets to her the cloak is off. Reproachfully.]

You might have permitted me the honour

[Lady Susan reseats herself with great composure, and turns over the newspaper. He remains standing over her rather embarrassed.

At length bursts out.] Confound it, Sue, you might have a little pity on a poor devil!

Lady S. I cannot allow you to call me by my Christian name. If you do I shall be compelled to wait in another room. [Fause.

Har. But do talk to me.

Lady S. What is there to discuss ?

Har. Ourselves—at least, yourself. Sue, do put down that paper.

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 107

Lady S. \_Rising going towards door.'] I told you I should go if you called me by my Christian name.

[Is going off right.

Har. Let me open the door for you.

[He goes hastily after her., she goes to door, tries to open it.

Lady S. Uncle Dick has locked the door !

\He again comes towards her, she goes towards the door, left.

Har. No, don't go. [Places her a chair with great politeness.] Do sit down again. [She sits.] I can't tell you how much I've suffered during your absence.

Lady S. Indeed.

Har. And I've thoroughly determined to be the best of men in the future.

Lady S. I'm sincerely glad to hear it.

Har, You might give a fellow a little encouragement.

Lady S. Encouragement ?

Har. To be good. No man can be good unless a woman encourages him.

Lady S. And not many men even then, it seems.

Har. I could be very good if you were to encourage me a little. Sue—

[Lady Susan rises.] Lady Sue—Lady Susan—[He offers her the chair, she sits down.] You have never really understood me.

Lady S. No ? [Looks at him attentively.

Har. I'm not at all a bad sort of fellow. You io8 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act m

don't know how awfully sorry I am for the past. And I'm really devoted to you.

Lady S. Indeed.

Har. It's a beastly night outside. You'll only catch a bad cold if you go out. I say, Sue; let's all have a jolly comfortable dinner together, and let bygones be bygones.

[^Paiise. Lady Susan considers.

Lady S. On both sides ?

Har. Yes, on both sides. Of course there are no —no bygones on your side ?

Lady S. Of course not. I suppose there are a good many on your side ?

Har. Eh? Eh? Well

Lady S. You seem unwilling for me to touch upon your bygones.

Har. \Embarrassedpaitse?\ I assure you I'm not a bad sort of a fellow. And I've cherished your image throughout.

Lady S. Throughout a course of flirtations with all sorts of women ?

Har. Oh, not a course—and not all sorts. I assure you—there's nothing for you to trouble about.

Lady S. What do you mean by " nothing " ?

Har. Well, well—oh, very well, let bygones be bygones.

Lady S. \Placidly?\ Very well.

Har. You will ? I can't tell you how delighted I am that you've forgiven me.

\Is about to embrace her.

Lady S. Stay. We are to take each other for better or worse, as we did when we were married, and the past is never to be once mentioned between us ?

Har. Never. You've forgiven me, haven't you ?

Lady S. Yes.

Har. Very well, what more is there to be said? [ With sudden a/arm.]

Sue

Lady S. What ?

Har. You—you haven't—been—flirting with anyone in the meantime

?

Lady S. I thought the past was not to be mentioned Har. No. But [S/iozvs great uneasiness.

Lady S. I see, we had better remain strangers. I'll wait in the next room. \Going.

Har. No, no. Sue, of course I trust you. But perhaps it would be best to have a thorough understanding once for all. Then we shall never

have occasion to return to the subject again. Now! Have you anything to tell me ?

Lady S. Have yau anything to tell me ?

Har. Well—of course—[^Stops, then suddenly.^ Perhaps you'd better begin, as—yours will be so much simpler. The whole truth, mind.

[^Listens in deadly earnest, impatiently.

Lady S. One evening at Cairo

Har. [Eagerly.'] Yes

Lady 3. I'd been playing a nocturne of Chopin's in the dusk no REBELLIOUS SUSAN

Har. In the dusk ? Where ? Lady S. In the drawing-room. Har. The pubHc drawing-room ? Lady S. Yes. And as I finishedHar. Yes Lady S. Signor Massetti, the musician, who was staying in the hotel, started up from a chair at the back—I didn't know he was in the room Har. [I^iercely.] Well

Lady S. And—don't look so ferocious

Har. [Maddened.] Go on ! Go on !

Lady S. He kissed

Har. Kissed you ?

Lady S. My hand.

Har. Your hand ?

Lady S. Yes—several times.

Har. Did he ? Did he ?

[Paa\^ 7!p and down the room.

Lady S. Yes, don't be in such a temper. He's quite an elderly man.

Har. So much the worse.

Lady S. And devoted to music.

Har. I dare say, the old blackguard ! How many times did he kiss your hand ?

Lady S. Five or six.

Har. [Tortured^ Five or six !

Lady S. Yes, but I'd really played very well.

Har. The old scoundrel! And—what did he say?

Lady S. I forget exactly.

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN iii

Har. [J*ierce/y.] You forget? ^ Lady S. He complimented me on my playing.

Har. Yes, but—what else ?

Lady S. Nothing. That's all.

Har. All ? Really ? Really, really all ?

Lady S. All, until I've heard all you have to tell me. [-^ong pause. He paces up atid doivn rather agitated^ Come. Aren't you going to begin

?

Har. I'm so much upset about your flirtation.

Lady S. You're not upset about your own—flirtations ?

Har. Yes, I am. I feel quite a touch of remorse when I remember them.

Lady S. My dear Jim, you don't feel anything like so much remorse for your own transgressions as you do for mine.

Har. Naturally not. \Goes to her very solemnly.'\ Will you give me your word, your sacred word of honour, that it went no further than a kiss on the hand with this confounded old Signor What's-hisname?

Lady S. My sacred word of honour, it went no further than a kiss on the hand with Signor Massetti.

Har. \Looks at her, much relieved.'\ I'm glad to hear it. And there's nothing else ?

Lady S. Yes, a good deal.

Har. \BristUng up furiously.\ A good deal! ^Fiercely.^ Go on ! Go on !

What else is there ?

Lady S. There's all your side.

112 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act m

Har. \^ReHeved.'\ We'll finish with your side first. I must insist on knowing

Lady S. You must insist ! \_La7tghs at /«>;/.] My dear Jim, don't be absurd. If it comes to that, I must insist on knowing—First of all this : when I was a good, faithful wife to you, why did you run after other women ? Secondly, how have you employed yourself the last two years ? And thirdly, how you are going to make me confess what I will have my tongue cut out rather than I will confess —that is, if there were anything to confess ?

Har. \_Tortiired.^ If there were anything to confess !—then there isn't anything to confess?

Lady S. I don't say that.

[Harabin takes tzvo or three desperate turiis about the room in agony.

Har. Very well. I had thoroughly determined to be the best husband in England for the future. Yes, Kirby shows in Admiral Darby a7id Lady Darby in door, left. [Exit Kirby.

madam. You have lost the greatest chance of happiness that was ever offered to a woman on this earth, and you have wrecked my whole future.

[Is going of.

Admiral. [Seizes him gently.'] Shake down! Shake down ! Shake down !

Har. Let me go. Sir Joseph [T)yi7tg to s^et off.

Admiral. [Turns hitn round.] Shake down! Shake down ! Shake down

!

Har. I wanted to let things shake down. I've ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 113

wanted to let them shake down for the last two years. But she won't let them.

Ad:\iir.\l. Now, Sue, how is it that you won't let things shake down ?

Lady S. I'm quite willing to let things shake down, but he won't let them.

Admiral. Now, Jim, how is it you won't let things shake down ?

Har. You can't expect me while Admiral. While what ?

Har. While she won't tell me

Admiral. What?

Har. \Fiercely at Lady Susan.] How many elderly musicians kissed her hand in Cairo !

Admiral. Sue, how many elderly musicians kissed your hand in Cairo

?

Lady S. Only one, and Mr. Harabin knows all about him.

Admiral. There you are, Jim. Only one, and you know all about him.

Now shake down.

Har. Very well—only—[Very imeasy]—then— there—there was—

only one?

Lady S. \_Very cold/y.'] Will you give me my cloak, Uncle Jo ? Aunt Vic, we'll wait in the drawing-room.

Har. No—no !

Lady D. [Stopping her.'] Mr. Harabin, you don't suppose that Lady Susan during her absence from you has done anything that needs to be concealed ? Har. Certainly not. Certainly not. But still 114 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act in

\Looks very tmeasy. The lock of the door right is heard to turn.

Enter Sir Richard in evening dress.

Sir R. Sir Joseph, Lady Darby. \_Shaking hands with them. To Lady Susan.] Well, how do we stand now?

Lady S. As we were.

Har. Sir Richard, I wish to ask Lady Susan one solemn question in the presence of you all.

Lady S. My dear Jim, I shall never answer it.

Har. Then am I to think ?

Lady S. Just whatever you please to think.

[Harabin goes in great distress to Sir Richard.

Har. Kato, one moment {Draws Sir Richard down stage. Admiral a7id Lady Darby expostulate with Lady Susan.] Sue won't say whether she has anything to confess, unless I confess everything to her.

Sir R. Very well. Confess everything to her.

Har. Oh ! that's impossible, you know.

Sir R. You don't suppose there's anything to confess on Sue's side ?

Har. No, I feel sure there isn't. But I should like to know. What shall I do ?

Sir R. Sue looks very handsome.

Har. Exquisite ! Exquisite !

Sir R. I should stretch a point or two rather ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 115

than send her out in the snow when you can have a cosy dinner with her here and—make it up.

E7iter KiRBY showing in Inez i7t evening dress.

KiRBY. \_Announcing'\ Mrs. Quesnel.

Inez. My dear Sue, ten thousand apologies. It's an awful night, and I couldn't get a cab. But

\Looks at Harabin, then looks i7iquiringly at Lady Susan. KiRBY.

Shall I serve dinner, Sir Richard ? Sir R. Lay for six instead of four, and then serve.

\Exit KiRBY.

Lady S. Come, Inez. I'm quite ready.

Har. No, don't go, Sue. Sir Richard

\Appeali71g to Sir Richard.

Sir R. \Goes to Lady Susan.] Sue, can't you give Mr. Harabin some assurance

Lady S. I've told him that bygones shall be bygones, and I will be a good faithful wife to him, if he will be a good faithful husband to me.

He can take me or leave me on those terms.

Sir R. [Looks very ear7iestly at Lady Susan for some mo77ients.'\ I think, Jim, your happiness will be quite safe in her hands.

[Passing her over to Harabin.

Har. I intend to be the best of husbands in the future. I'll give you my word

Lady S. Your word of honour, as a gentleman ?

Ii6 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act ni

Har. [Very quickly?^ Yes ! My word of honour as a gentleman.

Lady D. Why didn't you forgive him at first, Sue, and save us all this trouble ?

Lady S. [6'4''/^^.] I wonder why I didn't.

Lady D. You see, dear, we poor women cannot retaliate.

Lady S. I see.

Lady D. We must be patient.

Inez. And forgive the wretches till they learn constancy.

Lady S. I see.

Lady D. And, dear, yours is a respectable average case after all.

Lady S. Yes, a respectable average case after all.

Enter Kirby.

KiRBY. Dinner is served. Sir Richard.

\Exit Kirby.

Sir R. Take your wife in to dinner, Jim.

[Harabin gives his arm to Lady Susan.

Admiral. Victoria, I have only another fortnight on shore. Give me the pleasure and the honour of taking in to dinner the best woman and the best wife in England ! [Lady Darby gives her arm to Admiral.] Ah, Victoria ! when I remember

Lady D. That's enough, Jo. Don't be foolish.

Admiral. I can't help it. My conscience

ACT III REBELLIOUS SUSAN 117

troubles me. Some day, when I can summon courage, I will endeavour to tell you

[^Takes her off very affectionately.

Lady S. Uncle Dick, have you ever had a love affair"of your own?

Sir R. Just one.

Lady S. You never speak about it.

Sir R. It's too sacred.

Lady S. \^Sighs.'\ Ah ! one does not speak of the most sacred things

! \^To Harabin.] Now, sir, your arm, and don't forget I'm going to be a good wife to you.

Har. I won't. How well you look. Sue! I'll take you down Bond Street to-morrow morning and buy you—the whole street! I've never loved you so much as I do at this moment.

Lady S. How long will your love last ? For three weeks ?

Har. For three weeks ! For life !

Lady S. Are you sure? Love me, Jim! I want to be loved ! [Exeunt Lady Susan and Harabin. ■ Sir R. [To Inez.] Then I must take you?

Inez. I don't see any alternative.

Sir R. [More puzzled than ever.] What was there between Lucien and Sue at Cairo ?

Inez. Horn soit qui nialy pense.

Sir R. Yes, but that sermon was a very long one! Do women ever tell the truth about their little love affairs ?

Inez. Do men ?

u8 REBELLIOUS SUSAN act ril Sir R. No wise man ever tells.

Inez. No wise woman ever tells.

Sir R. I wonder

Inez. \Vonder at nothing that you find in the heart of a woman, or the heart of a man. God has put everything there.

Sir R. Let us leave these problems \kisses her hand very tenderly]

and go in to dinner.

\_Givtng his arm to her. Citrtain falls as they go off.

RICHARD CLAV AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BUNGAV.

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Document Outline

• The case of rebellious Susan; a comedy in three acts