Chapter 41

Libby took a sharp intake of breath and a step back from the screen.

She glared at Jude, hoping he was making a distasteful joke but instinct told her he wasn’t the type. She turned to Matthew, Fiona and Muriel to check she hadn’t misheard. Their equally puzzled faces told her she had not.

‘I … I don’t think I understand,’ she stuttered. ‘What do you mean you were going to end your life?’

‘I’m afraid it means what you think it means. I’d given the sat nav the coordinates for Scotland’s Forth bridge. Have you ever been?’ Libby shook her head. ‘My brother and I used to go up to South Queensferry as kids each summer to stay with our uncle. It’s such a beautiful part of the world and it seemed fitting to call things quits in a place I’ve got fond memories of.’

Libby’s head was spinning. Jude’s reply was so detached it was as if he were planning a summer holiday, not his death. Her knee-jerk reaction was to try and talk him out of it until she reminded herself of her nursing training. She must tread carefully.

‘I know it’s an intrusive thing for me to ask and I hope you forgive me for it, but what made you reach that decision?’ she asked instead.

‘You don’t have to treat me with kid gloves, Libby,’ he replied. ‘I’m not your patient. I can only speak for myself but I assume it’s for the same reason most people want to end their lives early. Because I have absolutely nothing I want to live for.’

‘But when we met, you seemed so happy, so confident … your smile and enthusiasm were two of the things I remember most clearly about you.’

‘When you’ve had depression as long as I have, you learn how to become a convincing actor. Mine has been crippling me on and off since I was a teenager and, in recent years, it’s become unbearable. Medication, counselling, electroconvulsive therapy … everything I’ve tried hasn’t even scratched the surface. So last Christmas, I made a promise to myself that when it all became too much, I was going to take charge of it instead of letting it take charge of me. And after a particularly rough few months, I made up my mind that today was going to be the day I took back control.

And here we are.’

‘But what about your family?’

‘My brother is all I have left but there’s a lot of distance between us. We don’t really know one another anymore.’

‘I’m sure he’d still miss you.’

‘Yeah, he might do. But not wanting to hurt him isn’t enough for me to remain here. Nothing is.’

What about me? Libby wanted to say, but she held her tongue. ‘You have so much to live for …’ she began and stopped herself mid-sentence.

She reminded herself that pointing out what someone with depression has to live for would not make a blind bit of difference to their mindset. ‘I’m sorry,’ she continued. ‘That’s not what you want to hear.’

‘Not really, no.’ Jude offered her a genuine smile. ‘But thank you.’

‘Why have the last few months been so bad?’

‘A lot has changed since we saw each other last. I lost my job, I’ve struggled to find another one; I was evicted from my flat because I couldn’t pay the rent and I’ve been living out of my car. I keep myself clean in supermarket bathrooms, I shower at the community swimming pool when I can afford it and most of what I eat comes from foodbanks or leftovers from supermarket bins. I’ve lost my self-respect and my confidence and, above all, my fight.’

Libby brushed away a solitary tear that fell down her cheek and rested on the corner of her mouth. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t be. It’s not your fault. I cannot find a way out of how I’m feeling. And even if by some miracle there was, it wouldn’t be enough.

Nothing, no one, is enough anymore.

‘But what if I’d never left the pub that night? Things could’ve been different.’

‘It was just make-believe, wasn’t it? This, now, – me here, you there –

this is our reality. Part of me wishes I’d died the next morning and at least I’d have gone out on a high.’

‘Then why didn’t you?’

‘Because the thought of seeing you again gave me hope.’

‘I’ve been through this before,’ Libby said suddenly. ‘My brother, Nicky. He was tormented by mental health issues. He thought the same as you, that no one would miss him if he died. But we did and we still do, every single day.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Jude. ‘I didn’t know. What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘He suffered a head injury playing rugby at school when he was fifteen.

He landed awkwardly which started a bleed on his brain. He was in a coma for the best part of a month and when he finally came out of it and he began to recover, it quickly became obvious that he wasn’t the same brother I’d grown up with. Like you, he lost his confidence, he was either choked by anxiety or swallowed by depression. He kept telling us that he wished he’d died on that rugby field. Years later and after his fifth suicide attempt, he disappeared so far inside himself that we couldn’t find him. We were forced to have him placed in a secure unit for his own safety. The day he was released, we brought him home and, only a few hours later, he hanged himself in his bedroom. I was the one who found his body. Nicky is the reason why I chose mental health nursing. I was too late and ill-equipped to save my brother, but I can help others.’

‘You can’t save Nicky through me, Libby. It’s not fair to put that pressure on either of us.’

‘I’m not saying that I could. But I’m telling you I won’t give up on you.’

‘You deserve an equal, Libby, someone who can treat you as well as you treat them. And as much as I’d love to be that man, it’s just not me. You’d have a patient, not a partner.’

‘That would have been my decision to make, not yours.’

Jude gave her another of the calming smiles she cherished. ‘Whoever you eventually invite to be a part of your life, they will be a lucky, lucky man, Libby.’

Jude’s lips moved as if he were saying something else, but there was no sound. It was only then that she noticed the countdown clock had reached zero. She had done her best to save the life of a man who didn’t want to be rescued.