Scene 17

EXT. THE BACKYARD. EVENING.

Two dozen geese are milling about, happy in their ignorance of imminent doom.

RYDER: ( Over) I sat there, looking at the geese that my sister fattens up for the market. And suddenly, an idea came into my head which showed me how I could beat the best detective that ever lived.

HOLMES: ( Over, contemptuously) Ha.

A sudden flurry from the geese.

RYDER: Come here, you... Stand still, you stupid bird! ( He corners it) Ah, now I’ve got you...

An anguished squawk from his victim.

RYDER: Keep still, blast you. That’s it. Now, look what your Uncle Jem’s got for you, then...

RYDER: ( Over) I caught one of the geese: a fine big one, with a barred tail, and I thrust the stone as far down its throat as I could reach with my finger. Then the bird gave a gulp and I felt it pass down into its crop.

RYDER: That’s right. Let’s see ‘em find it in there, then.

MRS. OAKSHOTT: ( Off) Jem! What are doing with that bird?

RYDER: ( A guilty start) What? Ah!

He loses his grip on the goose and it escapes to join the others. They welcome it back honkily.

RYDER: Oh no...

MRS. OAKSHOTT: What on earth were you up to?

RYDER: Well, er... You said you’d give me one for Christmas. I was just feeling which one was the fattest.

MRS. OAKSHOTT: Oh, we’ve got one set aside for you. Jem’s bird, we call it. We’ve been feeding it up special.

RYDER: But...

MRS. OAKSHOTT: What?

RYDER: Well if it’s all the same to you, Maggie, I’d rather have that one.

The one with the barred tail.

MRS. OAKSHOTT: But yours is a good three pound heavier.

RYDER: ( Desperately) No, I really like that one.

MRS. OAKSHOTT: Well, if you’re sure.

RYDER: And I’ll take it now.

MRS. OAKSHOTT: But... Oh very well. Kill it and take it with you.

RYDER: Thank you, Maggie, thank you. Come here, you brute...

He attacks the geese. They retaliate.

We move back to the present: